tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85504437014748978602011-11-27T16:36:21.640-08:00Stupid eMails, fun emails, jokes emailsAdminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03988088367092354297noreply@blogger.comBlogger2821100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-74041336419301038822010-08-04T07:05:00.000-07:002010-08-04T07:07:17.770-07:00

fish vendor: only 50 cents, very very fresh ,if you dont someone else will.thief: how much do you havefish vendor : only 50 centsthief : are you trying to be fresh with mefish vendor: very very freshthief: do you want me to kill youfish vendor :if you don't someone else will.

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-50765937374325519782010-08-04T07:03:00.000-07:002010-08-04T07:05:02.097-07:00

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-87122829824896368742010-08-03T07:52:00.000-07:002010-08-03T07:55:00.582-07:00

An old man was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.However, the boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the old man moved closer to the boy's position.He stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little fellow and, placing his

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-89609517965311487062010-08-03T07:45:00.000-07:002010-08-03T07:50:42.191-07:00

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,"Relatives of yours?""Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-85104902210506060352010-08-02T08:13:00.000-07:002010-08-02T08:14:57.900-07:00

A deer Hunter, a sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat."Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?""Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."The

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-52010160025092835422010-08-02T07:44:00.000-07:002010-08-02T08:15:41.195-07:00

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-91303406890178392942010-08-01T05:34:00.000-07:002010-08-01T05:37:26.207-07:00

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?Son: No.

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-89982477148328639782010-08-01T05:31:00.000-07:002010-08-01T05:33:26.670-07:00

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-2325137957587272012010-07-31T07:44:00.000-07:002010-08-01T05:42:40.124-07:00

Marriage is a three ring circus ...engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering ...

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-68299545847002946632010-07-31T07:32:00.000-07:002010-07-31T07:35:45.499-07:00

I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-68937350553878899672010-07-30T06:50:00.000-07:002010-07-30T06:51:31.394-07:00

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?""My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000.""Gee, that's tough," he replied."Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000.""Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.""And last month my aunt died,

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-12696911233734941352010-07-30T06:47:00.000-07:002010-07-30T06:50:20.818-07:00

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply."For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-8127255989181509942010-07-29T08:21:00.000-07:002010-07-29T08:24:29.602-07:00

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.What do you think it means?""You'll know tonight," he said.That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled,"The meaning of dreams"

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-13545486510359363812010-07-29T08:02:00.000-07:002010-07-29T08:21:43.188-07:00

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-38273964067769950452010-07-28T08:25:00.000-07:002010-07-28T08:27:28.024-07:00

Husband: every time I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger?Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............Husband: how does it helpWife: I use your toothbrush!!!!

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-73878291855532285382010-07-28T08:20:00.000-07:002010-07-28T08:28:17.644-07:00

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-31529951549197294182010-07-27T05:30:00.000-07:002010-07-27T05:44:17.214-07:00

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a blonde who's just like your

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-26325330033731207232010-07-27T05:24:00.000-07:002010-07-27T05:27:56.914-07:00

A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to.When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.""Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy.""Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-68919599713892570032010-07-26T08:21:00.000-07:002010-07-26T08:24:07.643-07:00

* There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define "Great" he said,"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.* What's the difference between a

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-74214922897401067062010-07-26T07:49:00.000-07:002010-07-26T08:20:49.997-07:00

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket,

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-14396283935611064032010-07-24T09:34:00.000-07:002010-07-24T09:38:26.273-07:00

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-28137923250623682052010-07-24T09:25:00.000-07:002010-07-24T09:37:12.210-07:00

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout."This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.The guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says.He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-77922176362842899342010-07-23T09:46:00.000-07:002010-07-23T09:47:26.162-07:00

A man is walking home when he sees a dog buying meat for his owner.The man watches the dog when the butcher takes a little to much and growls and him until he gets the right amount.The man follows the dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady across the street.Amazed the man follows the dog home and watches the dog ring the doorbell. When the owner comes to the door

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-23823358765133869362010-07-23T09:43:00.000-07:002010-07-23T09:44:16.425-07:00

(Scene from one of the old Pink Panther films)"Does your dog bite?""No."(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!""That is not my dog."

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-30169162895911135492010-07-22T09:51:00.000-07:002010-07-22T09:57:55.785-07:00

imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do?...U stop imagining...

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-88940798736985927542010-07-22T09:45:00.000-07:002010-07-22T09:49:06.548-07:00

What goes black white black white.........?A penguin rolling down a hill!What's black and white and laughing? The penguin who pushed him!

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-77676316439706005162010-07-01T05:56:00.000-07:002010-07-01T05:58:02.077-07:00

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked a little boy about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?" little boy said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-53435711737359131762010-07-01T05:50:00.000-07:002010-07-01T05:55:38.943-07:00

A father said to his son, "let me see your report card."boy replied, "I don't have it.""Why not?" His father asked."My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-42937949582443300742010-06-30T12:10:00.000-07:002010-06-30T12:31:05.259-07:00

"Hey, Mom," asked a little boy, "can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not!" answered his mother. "If you do," the boy went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-46525182919992962582010-06-30T11:50:00.000-07:002010-06-30T12:39:47.869-07:00

One day there is a couple of kids in a psychology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class "stand up if u think you're stupid!" after about 5 minutes a little boy stood up and the teacher says "do you think you're stupid kid?"To which that little boy replies "No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!"

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-12483271238600004852010-06-28T22:31:00.000-07:002010-06-28T22:49:40.361-07:00

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.A little boy got up and read his essay.It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed."Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-74300187538268717292010-06-28T22:16:00.000-07:002010-06-28T22:20:23.842-07:00

What a woman says:"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!?"What a man hears:blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MONblah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND Iblah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOORblah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHESblah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-6377218713041168332010-06-26T10:12:00.000-07:002010-06-26T10:31:57.473-07:00

"It's a guy thing."Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?"Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."It would take too long to explain."Really means..."I have no idea how it

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-7243856456615576832010-06-26T06:58:00.000-07:002010-06-26T11:02:03.611-07:00

"It's a gal thing."No = YesYes = NoMaybe = NoI'm sorry = You'll be sorryWe need = I wantIt's your decision = The correct decision should be obviousDo what you want = You'll pay for this laterWe need to talk = I need to complainSure, go ahead = I don't want you to do thatI'm not upset = Of course I'm upsetYou're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lotBe romantic and turn out the lights = I

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-74774222999986318652010-06-25T08:30:00.000-07:002010-06-25T09:56:28.145-07:00

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-1616015837013091272010-06-25T07:10:00.000-07:002010-06-25T08:25:21.696-07:00

Questions:01: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?02: When is an elf not an elf?03: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?04: What do you call a sheep with no legs?05: How do you stop a fish from smelling?06: Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?07: Why don't aliens eat clowns?08: There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?09: What do you call a

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-43228148057025351312010-06-24T10:51:00.000-07:002010-06-24T10:58:02.938-07:00

A bus load of politicians...were driving down an old country road, when the bus they were in ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.The farmer

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-91146832248730186282010-06-24T09:01:00.000-07:002010-06-24T11:08:03.971-07:00

Q: What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?A: A Stick.Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?A: Nacho Cheese.Q: What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?A: Subordinate Clauses.Q: What Do You Call Four Bullfighters in Quicksand?A: Quatro Sinko.Q: What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?A: Spoiled Milk.Q: What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?A: A Nervous Wreck.Q: Why Do Gorillas Have

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-65743111751685488202010-06-23T10:17:00.000-07:002010-06-23T10:22:44.365-07:00

Top 50 Dumbest Things President George W. Bush said in his first term:50. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." —at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 200249. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." — Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 200148. "You teach a

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-61392631635996759312010-06-23T10:00:00.000-07:002010-06-23T10:17:00.529-07:00

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-65866638647904589082010-06-22T11:25:00.000-07:002010-06-22T11:27:01.655-07:00

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home.The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-16146618864919761212010-06-22T11:18:00.000-07:002010-06-22T11:40:26.903-07:00

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.3. Turn off the cold

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-77157756529701039712010-06-21T08:26:00.000-07:002010-06-21T08:50:36.380-07:00

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert, Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said,"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-25541818025697989562010-06-21T08:05:00.000-07:002010-06-21T09:33:10.352-07:00

Pentagon Buzz- PhrasesEssentially complete... It's half done.We predict ... We hope to God!Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.Potential show stopper...The team has updated their resumes.Serious but not insurmountable problems...It'll take a miracle.Basic agreement has been reached...The @##$%%'s

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-27351587150367029212010-06-19T09:04:00.000-07:002010-06-21T09:38:51.421-07:00

Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?Because they can lie without moving their lips.What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth? A liar.What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?A breeding-heart liberal.If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?Congress.How can you tell when a politician is lying?His lips are moving.Who is a politician?One who

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NAVYN ever A gain V olunteer Y ourself MARINE M uscles A re R equired I ntelligence N ot E ssential ARMY A ren't R eady to be M arines Y etORA irforce R ejected M e Y esterday US ARMY (Spelled backwards)Y es M y R etarded A ss S igned U pAIR FORCE A int’t I t R eal F reakin O utstanding R etards C an E nlist

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little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it.He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and

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Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk. Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took

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A seedy-looking man was sitting in the first row heckling the mayor as he delivered a lengthy speech.Finally the mayor pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city?""Well, Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

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Four boys were fishing. As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they saw a man thrashing in the water. With no hesitation, they jumped into the water and saved him. It was not until they pulled him to shore that they noticed the man they had saved was President George Bush, who had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim. When President Bush caught his breath, he thanked the two

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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their Dads are. The first one says:"Well, my Dad runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says:"Ha! You think that's fast! My Dad is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then

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A Muslim, a Hindu and a Sikh were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Muslim said, "beef curry with roti! If I get beef curry with roti one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Hindu opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Vegetable again! If I get vegetable one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The Sikh

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-2364553819494757282010-06-15T10:50:00.000-07:002010-06-15T11:10:31.218-07:00

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy

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A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. She goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, mam. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-58621550696617227622010-06-14T05:06:00.000-07:002010-06-14T06:06:56.026-07:00

I suppose the cost of real estate in the ocean will be going up soon, that's good news for predators apparently.

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-78959202700161369372010-06-14T04:35:00.000-07:002010-06-14T05:05:48.389-07:00

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the

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* Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.* Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.* Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.* Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.* Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at

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George Bush and Dick Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me." Cheney, feeling sorry for his "boss," says "Oh, they're only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you." Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," says Cheney. The

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-83637202153085031602010-06-12T05:03:00.000-07:002010-06-12T05:06:27.336-07:00

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop. "Oh no!" cried the brunette. "Is he following me?" "Yep," replied the blonde. "I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette. "Yep," replied the blonde. "Is the cop still following me?" "Yep." "Are his lights on?" "Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."

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A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine..."You're a dumb-looking button!" "You don't have much of a future, either!" "You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!" "I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!"Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-79465923611922688092010-06-11T06:12:00.000-07:002010-06-11T06:29:47.003-07:00

So what do you do when your boss walks in and catches you asleep at your desk? You could freak out and get fired, or rattle off some really good excuses. The top 10 best things to say when getting caught asleep are: 10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.'' 09) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.'' 08)''

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-37642942725120610642010-06-11T05:46:00.000-07:002010-06-11T06:06:57.659-07:00

A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy. For no reason at all, they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The truck

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A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The

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A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." To which the old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-89344595236013115672010-06-09T05:14:00.000-07:002010-06-09T05:22:06.667-07:00

Some really smart mathematician dedicated his life to writing this equation. Finally proof that girls are, in fact, evil.

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-60674165294744795182010-06-09T04:50:00.000-07:002010-06-09T05:02:34.426-07:00

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-49263631019478688742010-06-08T09:06:00.000-07:002010-06-08T09:10:08.519-07:00

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:L: Have you any grounds?P: Yes, an acre and half and nice

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-80567220512955426462010-06-08T09:04:00.000-07:002010-06-08T09:06:05.049-07:00

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-5696353881226081282010-06-06T05:53:00.000-07:002010-06-06T05:54:33.001-07:00

A girl says to her doctor, "You have to help me. I hurt all over." She touches her right knee with her index finger and says, "Ow! That hurts." She touches her left cheek with her index finger and says, "Ouch! That hurts, too." She touches her right earlobe with her index finger and says, "Ow! Even that hurts." The doctor says, "Are you a natural blonde?" She replied, "Yes." The doctor says,

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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-28594240995268038232010-06-05T08:37:00.000-07:002010-06-05T08:41:02.072-07:00

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta

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1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an I.T. person says he's

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Indian Chief, "High Horse," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"The Chief stared at the government

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Money ..... Can buy a house,but not a home. Can buy a clock,but not time. Can buy a new contact,but not love.So pass me all of your money and let me suffer for you.......

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-26287735051404312052010-06-01T06:48:00.000-07:002010-06-01T06:54:45.615-07:00

Positive thinking is like this.....A little bird in the sky,You look up and it poops in our eye...You don't mind and you don't cry,You just thank God that cows don't fly.................

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-1919436218944289502010-06-01T06:08:00.000-07:002010-06-01T06:47:19.974-07:00

Our Communication ..................... WirelessOur Business ................................. CashlessOur Telephone .............................. CordlessOur Cocking .................................. FirelessOur Youth ..................................... JoblessOur Religion .................................. CreedlessOur Food ....................................... FatlessOur

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A doctor put an extremely fat woman on diet. She was so fat that standing up she looked like she was sitting down. The doctor said to her,"You can have 3 lettuce leaves, one piece of dry toast, one glass of orange juice and one tomato.""Do I take them before or after meals doctor?"

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-38035778368404010572010-05-30T22:51:00.000-07:002010-05-30T23:53:46.154-07:00

A doctor diagnosed a patient's condition as too much worrying over money matters,"Relax" the doctor said to him "Just two weeks ago I had another fellow here and he couldn't pay his tailor's huge bills, so I told him to forget about them and now he feels great.""I know," said the patient, "I'm his tailor."

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An absent-minded Student went to see a psychiatrist.'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.''How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.'How long has what been going on? And who the hell are you man? What are you doing in my house?' said the student.

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One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, ''Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world.''Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-48436634598347387832010-05-29T08:56:00.000-07:002010-05-29T09:15:59.962-07:00

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe "Daylight Saving Time."3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-79073503924751163952010-05-29T08:42:00.000-07:002010-05-29T08:54:58.893-07:00

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I

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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor and why do bars have

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-8225906152476953382010-05-28T04:40:00.001-07:002010-05-28T04:40:48.177-07:00

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-13610354307878118792010-05-27T06:49:00.000-07:002010-05-27T06:52:24.539-07:00

Somewhere, in some office or human resources department... an employee has had a performance evaluation. Most of the time these go well, with someone getting a raise or a boost in moral... other times... not so well. The following are actual quotes taken from various performance evaluation tests at a company (to remain anonymous)."Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and

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A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."Man: "No sir, I was only doing 65."Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"Wife: "Oh

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Doctor: I have some bad news and some worse news.Patient: Ouch... I suppose you might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor: The lab called back with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.Patient: 24 HOURS! That's horrible! Oh My God! WHAT could be WORSE than that?Doctor: Well, I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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One night a father sent his son upstairs to bed. Fiveminutes later the boy screamed, ”Dad! Can you get me aglass of water!?!” ”No. You had your chance. Be quiet and go to sleep.” A minute later the boy screamed, ”Dad!! Can you PLEASE getme a glass of water?” ”No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I’ll come upthere and spank you.” A minute later the boy yelled, ”Dad, when you come up tospank

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-24310352689833486222010-05-24T22:59:00.000-07:002010-05-24T23:05:03.555-07:00

There is legend that goes like this: Far far away in a jungle there's a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish... but if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up for eternity.Three friends Russian, American and a Sikh walk into that very jungle - with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The Russian goes first and says "I think I'm the most

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-69695379503505681322010-05-24T22:53:00.000-07:002010-05-24T22:57:29.890-07:00

My Dear Love,Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house intrigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circularface, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in yourtriangular garden.Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when avector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at adeviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart,it differentiated.My love for you is a

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-43653844516966620892010-05-23T22:57:00.000-07:002010-05-23T23:01:16.276-07:00

The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony in some of these is absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though sometimes awkward). Check them out...Miners Refuse to Work after DeathInclude Your Children when Baking CookiesEnfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect HomicideTyphoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds DeadSomething Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysSafety

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-44607647174163268922010-05-23T22:44:00.000-07:002010-05-23T22:52:18.508-07:00

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked."Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-51130031199090117192010-05-23T03:07:00.000-07:002010-05-23T03:09:01.243-07:00

He met her on a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he so normal, nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please, let me go home.... suddenly he asked

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-40196733835841761872010-05-23T03:04:00.000-07:002010-05-23T03:06:24.033-07:00

3 engineers and 3 accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 accountants each buy tickets and watch as the 3 engineers buy only a single ticket."How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant."Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-65600987767547702182010-05-22T10:11:00.000-07:002010-05-22T10:12:23.433-07:00

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"The blonde replied, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-7304172239434112172010-05-22T10:09:00.000-07:002010-05-22T10:10:37.458-07:00

Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:1. Knowledge is Power.2. Time is Money.As every engineer knows:Power = Work / TimeSince:Knowledge = PowerTime = MoneyIt follows that:Knowledge = Work/Money.Solving for Money, we get:

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-84706738067876227982010-05-20T23:03:00.000-07:002010-05-20T23:07:38.246-07:00

Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?Old Man: Certainly not.Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to loose,if you tell me the time?Old Man: Yes, I may loose something if I tell you thetime.Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you willdefinitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you willask me the time.Young Man: Quite possible.Old Man: May be

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-88209606157218671292010-05-20T22:47:00.000-07:002010-05-20T23:02:01.592-07:00

Here are some words of wisdom# If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.# A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.# Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.# For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.# He who hesitates is probably right.# Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.# No one is

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-4431867673434194722010-05-19T22:08:00.000-07:002010-05-19T22:10:31.452-07:00

Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hot-line. Please listen to our menu carefully, as our options may have changed. * If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. * If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6. * If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8550443701474897860.post-22367622318858459992010-05-19T22:02:00.000-07:002010-05-19T22:20:48.289-07:00

This job security quiz will help determine how long you'll be at your current job and what what kind of future you'll have. Much better than an 8 ball I think.The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that

Phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13015873626304259431noreply@blogger.com0