Someone Else Will

fish vendor: only 50 cents, very very fresh ,if you dont someone else will.
thief: how much do you have
fish vendor : only 50 cents
thief : are you trying to be fresh with me
fish vendor: very very fresh
thief: do you want me to kill you
fish vendor :if you don't someone else will.

Ugliest Baby

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

A Small Boy and A Kind Old Man

An old man was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the old man moved closer to the boy's position.
He stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the old man smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"

In-Laws

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Pig

A deer Hunter, a sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
>The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's pig!"

Men And Women

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Idiot

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

My Husband's Drunk

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car. The Patrol Man said to the man\'s wife, "I know he didn't have his seat belt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied,
"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."