fish vendor: only 50 cents, very very fresh ,if you dont someone else will.
thief: how much do you have
fish vendor : only 50 cents
thief : are you trying to be fresh with me
fish vendor: very very fresh
thief: do you want me to kill you
fish vendor :if you don't someone else will.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Ugliest Baby
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
A Small Boy and A Kind Old Man
An old man was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the old man moved closer to the boy's position.
He stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the old man smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"
However, the boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the old man moved closer to the boy's position.
He stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the old man smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"
In-Laws
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Monday, August 2, 2010
Pig
A deer Hunter, a sportsman, and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
>The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's pig!"
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
>The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's pig!"
Men And Women
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Idiot
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
My Husband's Drunk
A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car. The Patrol Man said to the man\'s wife, "I know he didn't have his seat belt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied,
"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car. The Patrol Man said to the man\'s wife, "I know he didn't have his seat belt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied,
"Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Wedding Video Backwards
I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Nothing!!!
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!!!"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!!!"
Wise Son
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The Meaning Of Dreams
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.
What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled,
"The meaning of dreams"
What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled,
"The meaning of dreams"
F*ckin' French Toast
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.
The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."
The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Anger Management
Husband: every time I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............
Husband: how does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............
Husband: how does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!
How Was The Mankind Created
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Problem
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a blonde who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect blonde? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect blonde. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a blonde who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect blonde? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect blonde. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
A Lazy Man
A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to.
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Monday, July 26, 2010
Computer Jokes
* There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
* What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?
The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.
* "Knock, knock.Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."
* A system administrator has 2 problems:
- dumb users
- smart users
* How do two programmers make money?
- One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses
* Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
* I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.
* If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
* I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
* What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?
The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.
* "Knock, knock.Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."
* A system administrator has 2 problems:
- dumb users
- smart users
* How do two programmers make money?
- One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses
* Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.
* I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.
* If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
* I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
A Talking Frog And A Computer Programmer
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion. Please!!!" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "Will you kiss me and turn me back into a princess???" Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess. And I will be your loving companion. The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion. Please!!!" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "Will you kiss me and turn me back into a princess???" Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess. And I will be your loving companion. The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Wise Parrot
A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
Talking Dog
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
The guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
The guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Friday, July 23, 2010
Amazing Dog
A man is walking home when he sees a dog buying meat for his owner.The man watches the dog when the butcher takes a little to much and growls and him until he gets the right amount.
The man follows the dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady across the street.
Amazed the man follows the dog home and watches the dog ring the doorbell. When the owner comes to the door the owner takes the bags and tells the dog to stay in the front yard.
Frustrated the man goes up to the owner and yells "This dog is amazing! He gets your groceries, makes sure you have the exact change, helps old ladies across the street and this is how you treat him!"
The owner replies" I know but,this is the 3rd time this week he left his keys".
The man follows the dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady across the street.
Amazed the man follows the dog home and watches the dog ring the doorbell. When the owner comes to the door the owner takes the bags and tells the dog to stay in the front yard.
Frustrated the man goes up to the owner and yells "This dog is amazing! He gets your groceries, makes sure you have the exact change, helps old ladies across the street and this is how you treat him!"
The owner replies" I know but,this is the 3rd time this week he left his keys".
That is not my dog
(Scene from one of the old Pink Panther films)
"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)
"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"That is not my dog."
"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)
"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"That is not my dog."
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Imaginations
imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do?
...
U stop imagining...
...
U stop imagining...
Black & White
What goes black white black white.........?
A penguin rolling down a hill!
What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him!
A penguin rolling down a hill!
What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Family Trip
Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked a little boy about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?" little boy said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?" little boy said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
Scary Report Card
A father said to his son, "let me see your report card."
boy replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
boy replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Clever Boy
"Hey, Mom," asked a little boy, "can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not!" answered his mother. "If you do," the boy went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
Stupid Who?
One day there is a couple of kids in a psychology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class "stand up if u think you're stupid!" after about 5 minutes a little boy stood up and the teacher says "do you think you're stupid kid?"
To which that little boy replies "No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!"
To which that little boy replies "No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!"
Monday, June 28, 2010
An Unusual Event
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
A little boy got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed.
"Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
A little boy got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed.
"Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
Men And Women
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!?"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!?"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
Saturday, June 26, 2010
What Men Really Mean
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
What's wrong? = What self-inflicted psychological trauma is it this time?
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
What's wrong? = What self-inflicted psychological trauma is it this time?
What Women Really Mean
"It's a gal thing."
No = Yes
Yes = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to do that
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic and turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I want something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something terrible today
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
No = Yes
Yes = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to do that
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic and turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I want something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something terrible today
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Friday, June 25, 2010
Smarter Woman
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Quiz
Questions:
01: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
02: When is an elf not an elf?
03: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
04: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
05: How do you stop a fish from smelling?
06: Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
07: Why don't aliens eat clowns?
08: There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
09: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
10: What two muffins in the microwave, talk about?
Answers:
01: A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.
02: When he's got his head up a fairies skirt...then he's a goblin.
03: A carrot.
04: A cloud.
05: Cut its nose off.
06: He was charged with battery.
07: Because they taste funny.
08: The one on the range.
09: A fsh.
10: One of them says: "Man it's hot in here!"
The other muffin exclaims, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
01: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
02: When is an elf not an elf?
03: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
04: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
05: How do you stop a fish from smelling?
06: Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
07: Why don't aliens eat clowns?
08: There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?
09: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
10: What two muffins in the microwave, talk about?
Answers:
01: A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.
02: When he's got his head up a fairies skirt...then he's a goblin.
03: A carrot.
04: A cloud.
05: Cut its nose off.
06: He was charged with battery.
07: Because they taste funny.
08: The one on the range.
09: A fsh.
10: One of them says: "Man it's hot in here!"
The other muffin exclaims, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
Thursday, June 24, 2010
A Bus Full Of Politicians
A bus load of politicians...were driving down an old country road, when the bus they were in ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back."
The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back."
The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
Funny Questions And Answers
Q: What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A: A Stick.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Q: What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: What Do You Call Four Bullfighters in Quicksand?
A: Quatro Sinko.
Q: What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
A: Spoiled Milk.
Q: What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A: A Nervous Wreck.
Q: Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A: Because They Have Big Fingers.
Q: What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
A: Sanka.
Q: What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A: Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
Q: How's A Texas Tornado And An Alabama Divorce The Same?
A: Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
A: The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard.
A: A Stick.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Q: What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: What Do You Call Four Bullfighters in Quicksand?
A: Quatro Sinko.
Q: What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
A: Spoiled Milk.
Q: What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A: A Nervous Wreck.
Q: Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A: Because They Have Big Fingers.
Q: What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
A: Sanka.
Q: What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A: Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
Q: How's A Texas Tornado And An Alabama Divorce The Same?
A: Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
A: The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Some Dumb Bush Quotes
Top 50 Dumbest Things President George W. Bush said in his first term:
50. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." —at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002
49. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." — Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001
48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' — Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001
47. "We both use Colgate toothpaste." —after a reporter asked what he had in common with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Camp David, Md., Feb. 23, 2001
46. "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004
45. "I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003
44. "I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." —as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War
43. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." —Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001
42. "The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." —Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003
41. "I saw a poll that said the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America. It's pretty darn strong. I mean, the people see a better future." — Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004
40. "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." — discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson, as quoted by Robertson
39. "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004
38. "Haven't we already given money to rich people? Why are we going to do it again?" — to economic advisers discussing a second round of tax cuts, as quoted by former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neil, Washington, D.C., Nov. 26, 2002
37. "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption." —Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002
36. "After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week — we will have an all-volunteer army!" —Daytona Beach, Fla., Oct. 16, 2004
35. "Do you have blacks, too?" —to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001
34. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." —as quoted by the New York Daily News , April 23, 2002
33. "I got to know Ken Lay when he was head of the — what they call the Governor's Business Council in Texas. He was a supporter of Ann Richards in my run in 1994. And she had named him the head of the Governor's Business Council. And I decided to leave him in place, just for the sake of continuity. And that's when I first got to know Ken and worked with Ken." —attempting to distance himself from his biggest political patron, Enron Chairman Ken Lay, whom he nicknamed "Kenny Boy," Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2002
32. "It is white." —after being asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like, July 19, 2001
31. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." —at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001
30. "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." —Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001
29. "I don't know why you're talking about Sweden. They're the neutral one. They don't have an army." — during a Dec. 2002 Oval Office meeting with Rep. Tom Lantos, as reported by the New York Times
28. "You forgot Poland." — to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition, Miami, Fla., Sept. 30, 2004
27. "I'm the master of low expectations." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
26. "I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
25. "I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right." —Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001
24. "We need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates." —Washington, D.C. Oct. 4, 2001
23. "People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002
22. "I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it…I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet….I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't — you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." — President George W. Bush, after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2004
21. "The really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway." —explaining why high taxes on the rich are a failed strategy, Annandale, Va., Aug. 9, 2004
20 . "My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire." — radio address, Feb. 24, 2001
19. "You know, when I was one time campaigning in Chicago, a reporter said, 'Would you ever have a deficit?' I said, 'I can't imagine it, but there would be one if we had a war, or a national emergency, or a recession.' Never did I dream we'd get the trifecta." — Houston, Texas, June 14, 2002 (There is no evidence Bush ever made any such statement, despite recounting the trifecta line repeatedly in 2002. A search by the Washington Post revealed that the three caveats were brought up before the 2000 campaign — by Al Gore.)
18. "See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." —Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003
17. "The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." — State of the Union Address, Jan. 28, 2003, making a claim that administration officials knew at the time to be false
16. "In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard." — repeating the phrases "hard work," "working hard," "hard choices," and other "hard"-based verbiage 22 times in his first debate with Sen. John Kerry
15. "The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." — Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001
14. "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." — Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002
13. "But all in all, it's been a fabulous year for Laura and me." —summing up his first year in office, three months after the 9/11 attacks, Washington, D.C., Dec. 20, 2001
12. "I try to go for longer runs, but it's tough around here at the White House on the outdoor track. It's sad that I can't run longer. It's one of the saddest things about the presidency." — interview with "Runners World," Aug. 2002
11. "Can we win? I don't think you can win it." — after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable, "Today" show interview, Aug. 30, 2004
10. "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." —Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002
9 . "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." —to a group of Amish he met with privately, July 9, 2004
8. "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." —speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, May 1, 2003
7 . “We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories … And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." — Washington, D.C., May 30, 2003
6. "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" —President George W. Bush, joking about his administration's failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner , Washington, D.C., March 24, 2004
5. "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." —Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000
4. "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
3. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (
2. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
1. "My answer is bring them on." — on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. forces, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003
50. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." —at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002
49. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." — Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001
48. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' — Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001
47. "We both use Colgate toothpaste." —after a reporter asked what he had in common with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Camp David, Md., Feb. 23, 2001
46. "Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004
45. "I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003
44. "I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." —as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War
43. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." —Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001
42. "The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." —Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003
41. "I saw a poll that said the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America. It's pretty darn strong. I mean, the people see a better future." — Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004
40. "Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties." — discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson, as quoted by Robertson
39. "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004
38. "Haven't we already given money to rich people? Why are we going to do it again?" — to economic advisers discussing a second round of tax cuts, as quoted by former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neil, Washington, D.C., Nov. 26, 2002
37. "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption." —Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002
36. "After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week — we will have an all-volunteer army!" —Daytona Beach, Fla., Oct. 16, 2004
35. "Do you have blacks, too?" —to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001
34. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." —as quoted by the New York Daily News , April 23, 2002
33. "I got to know Ken Lay when he was head of the — what they call the Governor's Business Council in Texas. He was a supporter of Ann Richards in my run in 1994. And she had named him the head of the Governor's Business Council. And I decided to leave him in place, just for the sake of continuity. And that's when I first got to know Ken and worked with Ken." —attempting to distance himself from his biggest political patron, Enron Chairman Ken Lay, whom he nicknamed "Kenny Boy," Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2002
32. "It is white." —after being asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like, July 19, 2001
31. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." —at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001
30. "For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." —Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001
29. "I don't know why you're talking about Sweden. They're the neutral one. They don't have an army." — during a Dec. 2002 Oval Office meeting with Rep. Tom Lantos, as reported by the New York Times
28. "You forgot Poland." — to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition, Miami, Fla., Sept. 30, 2004
27. "I'm the master of low expectations." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
26. "I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
25. "I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right." —Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001
24. "We need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates." —Washington, D.C. Oct. 4, 2001
23. "People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002
22. "I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it…I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet….I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't — you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." — President George W. Bush, after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2004
21. "The really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway." —explaining why high taxes on the rich are a failed strategy, Annandale, Va., Aug. 9, 2004
20 . "My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire." — radio address, Feb. 24, 2001
19. "You know, when I was one time campaigning in Chicago, a reporter said, 'Would you ever have a deficit?' I said, 'I can't imagine it, but there would be one if we had a war, or a national emergency, or a recession.' Never did I dream we'd get the trifecta." — Houston, Texas, June 14, 2002 (There is no evidence Bush ever made any such statement, despite recounting the trifecta line repeatedly in 2002. A search by the Washington Post revealed that the three caveats were brought up before the 2000 campaign — by Al Gore.)
18. "See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." —Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003
17. "The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." — State of the Union Address, Jan. 28, 2003, making a claim that administration officials knew at the time to be false
16. "In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard." — repeating the phrases "hard work," "working hard," "hard choices," and other "hard"-based verbiage 22 times in his first debate with Sen. John Kerry
15. "The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." — Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001
14. "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." — Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002
13. "But all in all, it's been a fabulous year for Laura and me." —summing up his first year in office, three months after the 9/11 attacks, Washington, D.C., Dec. 20, 2001
12. "I try to go for longer runs, but it's tough around here at the White House on the outdoor track. It's sad that I can't run longer. It's one of the saddest things about the presidency." — interview with "Runners World," Aug. 2002
11. "Can we win? I don't think you can win it." — after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable, "Today" show interview, Aug. 30, 2004
10. "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." —Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002
9 . "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." —to a group of Amish he met with privately, July 9, 2004
8. "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." —speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, May 1, 2003
7 . “We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories … And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." — Washington, D.C., May 30, 2003
6. "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" —President George W. Bush, joking about his administration's failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner , Washington, D.C., March 24, 2004
5. "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." —Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000
4. "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
3. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (
2. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
1. "My answer is bring them on." — on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. forces, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003
Blonde In Library
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Politician
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"
Learn To Create Bureaucracy, Policy, And Procedures
1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.
2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."
2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Way Governments Work
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert, Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said,"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said,"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said,"How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said,"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said,"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
A Lingo Dictionary
Pentagon Buzz-
Phrases
Essentially complete...
It's half done.
We predict ...
We hope to God!
Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk:
or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.
Potential show stopper...
The team has updated their resumes.
Serious but not insurmountable problems...
It'll take a miracle.
Basic agreement has been reached...
The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.
Results are being quantified...
We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
Task force to review...
Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project.
Not well defined at this time...
Nobody's even thought about it.
Still analyzing the requirements...
See previous answer.
Not well understood...
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.
Requires further analysis and management attention...
Totally out of control!
Results are promising...
Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time.
Phrases
Essentially complete...
It's half done.
We predict ...
We hope to God!
Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk:
or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.
Potential show stopper...
The team has updated their resumes.
Serious but not insurmountable problems...
It'll take a miracle.
Basic agreement has been reached...
The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.
Results are being quantified...
We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
Task force to review...
Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project.
Not well defined at this time...
Nobody's even thought about it.
Still analyzing the requirements...
See previous answer.
Not well understood...
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.
Requires further analysis and management attention...
Totally out of control!
Results are promising...
Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Some Political One Liners
Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.
What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
A liar.
What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.
If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress.
How can you tell when a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.
Who is a politician?
One who shakes your hands before elections and your confidence after.
Because they can lie without moving their lips.
What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
A liar.
What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.
If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress.
How can you tell when a politician is lying?
His lips are moving.
Who is a politician?
One who shakes your hands before elections and your confidence after.
The Military Acronyms
NAVY
N ever A gain V olunteer Y ourself
MARINE
M uscles A re R equired I ntelligence N ot E ssential
ARMY
A ren't R eady to be M arines Y et
OR
A irforce R ejected M e Y esterday
US ARMY (Spelled backwards)
Y es M y R etarded A ss S igned U p
AIR FORCE
A int’t I t R eal F reakin O utstanding R etards C an E nlist
Friday, June 18, 2010
Innocent Mind
little boy wanted $100 to buy a new bike, and his mother told him to pray to God for it.
He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read:
Dear God;
Thank you very much for the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, they deducted $95.00 for themselves.
Political Dictionary
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Perestroika: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.
Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Capitalism: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
Anarchy-Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Olympics-ism: You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
For The Good Of The City
A seedy-looking man was sitting in the first row heckling the mayor as he delivered a lengthy speech.
Finally the mayor pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city?"
"Well, Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
Finally the mayor pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city?"
"Well, Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
Burial With Honors
Four boys were fishing. As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they saw a man thrashing in the water. With no hesitation, they jumped into the water and saved him.
It was not until they pulled him to shore that they noticed the man they had saved was President George Bush, who had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim. When President Bush caught his breath, he thanked the two boys and offered them anything they wanted in return for saving his life.
The first boy thought about it for a while and finally answered. "I would like a presidential appointment to West Point so I can serve my country."
The next two thought that was a great idea, but one said he had always wanted to be a pilot so he would rather attend the Air Force Academy.
The third boy chose the Naval Academy.
The president turned to the fourth boy, who was still thinking. Finally he answered, "Mr. President, I would like a burial with honors at Arlington National Cemetery" The president was shocked and asked the boy why he would make such a request at his young age. The boy replied "Because when my father finds out I saved you, he is going to kill me!"
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Fast
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their Dads are.
The first one says:"Well, my Dad runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says:"Ha! You think that's fast! My Dad is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:"You two know nothing about fast. My Dad is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"
A Muslim, A Hindu And A Sikh
A Muslim, a Hindu and a Sikh were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Muslim said, "beef curry with roti! If I get beef curry with roti one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Hindu opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Vegetable again! If I get vegetable one more time, I'm going to jump off too."
The Sikh opened his lunch and said, "Lentils with rice again. If I get a lentils with rice one more time, I'm jumping too."
Next day the Muslim opens his lunch box, sees beef curry and jumps to his death. The Hindu opens his lunch, sees vegetable and jumps too. The Sikh opens his lunch, sees the lentils with rice and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Muslim's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of beef curry, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Hindu's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him vegetable! I didn't realize he hated vegetable so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Sikh's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Free Wood Cutting
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
Happy Vacations Buddy."
$20 Million
A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. She goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million."
The man replied, "No, mam. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"
Monday, June 14, 2010
Global Warming
I suppose the cost of real estate in the ocean will be going up soon, that's good news for predators apparently.
Afraid To Cough
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Alcohol Warnings
* Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
* Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
* Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
* Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
* Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
* Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
* Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
* Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
* Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
* Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
* Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a loser.
* Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again.
* Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
* Consumption of alcohol may convince you that your ex is really dying to hear from you at 4 am.
* Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
* Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
* Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you're tougher than a really big guy named Kong.
* Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
* Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
* Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small... or large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
George Bush And Dick Cheney
George Bush and Dick Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me."
Cheney, feeling sorry for his "boss," says "Oh, they're only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."
Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," says Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drives them to 29 Nickel Street.
Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See! This guy is really stupid."
George Bush agrees. "He really is a dummy. There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
Saturday, June 12, 2010
A Brunette And A Blonde Chased By Police
A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop. "Oh no!" cried the brunette. "Is he following me?" "Yep," replied the blonde.
"I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette. "Yep," replied the blonde.
"Is the cop still following me?" "Yep."
"Are his lights on?" "Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."
DEPRESS BUTTON
A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine...
"You're a dumb-looking button!" "You don't have much of a future, either!" "You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!" "I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!"
Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.
"What in the heck are you doing?" her boyfriend asks.
The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads... "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".
"You're a dumb-looking button!" "You don't have much of a future, either!" "You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!" "I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!"
Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.
"What in the heck are you doing?" her boyfriend asks.
The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads... "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".
Friday, June 11, 2010
Caught Sleeping At The Office : Best Excuses Here
So what do you do when your boss walks in and catches you asleep at your desk? You could freak out and get fired, or rattle off some really good excuses. The top 10 best things to say when getting caught asleep are:
10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''
09) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''
08)''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''
07) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''
06) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''
05) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''
04) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''
03) ''The coffee machine is broken...''
02) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''
01) ''.....in God' name, Amen.''
A Cheerful Truck Driver
A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night for a dinner stop. Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded, leather-jacketed, filthy.
For no reason at all, they selected the truck driver as a target. One poured pepper over his head, another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The truck driver never said one word, just stood up, paid his check, and left.
"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter," sneered one of the bikers.
The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, "He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles."
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Four Psychiatrists
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
You Can Have The Duck
A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." To which the old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer answered back, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." To which the old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer answered back, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Girls Are Evil
Some really smart mathematician dedicated his life to writing this equation. Finally proof that girls are, in fact, evil.
An Officer And A Wiseguy
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Polish Remover
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'
Email From Hell
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2010
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2010
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Blonde In Pain
A girl says to her doctor, "You have to help me. I hurt all over."
She touches her right knee with her index finger and says, "Ow! That hurts."
She touches her left cheek with her index finger and says, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
She touches her right earlobe with her index finger and says, "Ow! Even that hurts."
The doctor says, "Are you a natural blonde?"
She replied, "Yes."
The doctor says, "You have a sprained finger."
A Boy's Letter To His Dad
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Italian Men
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our private lives...
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
15 Tips To Please Your I.T Department
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in A scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
15. Don't use on-line help, it's for wimps.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Indian Vs White Man
Indian Chief, "High Horse," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water; women did all the work, medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; taking rest all night."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water; women did all the work, medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; taking rest all night."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."
Money
Money .....
Can buy a house,
but not a home.
Can buy a clock,
but not time.
Can buy a new contact,
but not love.
So pass me all of your money and let me suffer for you.......
Can buy a house,
but not a home.
Can buy a clock,
but not time.
Can buy a new contact,
but not love.
So pass me all of your money and let me suffer for you.......
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Positive Thinking
Positive thinking is like this.....
A little bird in the sky,
You look up and it poops in our eye...
You don't mind and you don't cry,
You just thank God that cows don't fly.................
A little bird in the sky,
You look up and it poops in our eye...
You don't mind and you don't cry,
You just thank God that cows don't fly.................
Harsh Reality Of Life
Our Communication ..................... Wireless
Our Business ................................. Cashless
Our Telephone .............................. Cordless
Our Cocking .................................. Fireless
Our Youth ..................................... Jobless
Our Religion .................................. Creedless
Our Food ....................................... Fatless
Our Faith ....................................... Godless
Our Labour .................................... Effortless
Our Conduct .................................. Worthless
Our Relation .................................. Loveless
Our Attitude ................................... Careless
Our Feelings .................................. Heartless
Our Police ...................................... Shameless
Our Education .............................. Valueless
Our Follies ..................................... Countless
Our Arguments .............................. Baseless
Our Commitment .......................... Aimless
Our Poor ........................................ Voiceless
Our Life ......................................... Meaningless
Our existence ................................ Useless
Our Business ................................. Cashless
Our Telephone .............................. Cordless
Our Cocking .................................. Fireless
Our Youth ..................................... Jobless
Our Religion .................................. Creedless
Our Food ....................................... Fatless
Our Faith ....................................... Godless
Our Labour .................................... Effortless
Our Conduct .................................. Worthless
Our Relation .................................. Loveless
Our Attitude ................................... Careless
Our Feelings .................................. Heartless
Our Police ...................................... Shameless
Our Education .............................. Valueless
Our Follies ..................................... Countless
Our Arguments .............................. Baseless
Our Commitment .......................... Aimless
Our Poor ........................................ Voiceless
Our Life ......................................... Meaningless
Our existence ................................ Useless
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Diet Control
A doctor put an extremely fat woman on diet. She was so fat that standing up she looked like she was sitting down. The doctor said to her,"You can have 3 lettuce leaves, one piece of dry toast, one glass of orange juice and one tomato."
"Do I take them before or after meals doctor?"
"Do I take them before or after meals doctor?"
Anxiety
A doctor diagnosed a patient's condition as too much worrying over money matters,
"Relax" the doctor said to him "Just two weeks ago I had another fellow here and he couldn't pay his tailor's huge bills, so I told him to forget about them and now he feels great."
"I know," said the patient, "I'm his tailor."
"Relax" the doctor said to him "Just two weeks ago I had another fellow here and he couldn't pay his tailor's huge bills, so I told him to forget about them and now he feels great."
"I know," said the patient, "I'm his tailor."
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Absent-minded Student
An absent-minded Student went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on? And who the hell are you man? What are you doing in my house?' said the student.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on? And who the hell are you man? What are you doing in my house?' said the student.
Miserable Toothbrush
One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, ''Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world.''
Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"
Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"
Things You’ll Learn By The Time Your 50
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe "Daylight Saving Time."
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
- If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to your father.
- If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
- If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dip.
- And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe "Daylight Saving Time."
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
- If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to your father.
- If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
- If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dip.
- And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
"Self Appraisal"
A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep
your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will
have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."
Woman: No, thank you.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No thanks,
Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the
job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep
your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will
have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."
Woman: No, thank you.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No thanks,
Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the
job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"
Friday, May 28, 2010
Random Thinking
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor and why do bars have parking lots?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor and why do bars have parking lots?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
The Designated Decoy
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Performance Evaluation Quotations
Somewhere, in some office or human resources department... an employee has had a performance evaluation. Most of the time these go well, with someone getting a raise or a boost in moral... other times... not so well. The following are actual quotes taken from various performance evaluation tests at a company (to remain anonymous).
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
When He's Drunk
A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was only doing 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No sir, only when he's drunk."
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was only doing 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No sir, only when he's drunk."
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Bad and Worse
Doctor: I have some bad news and some worse news.
Patient: Ouch... I suppose you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called back with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's horrible! Oh My God! WHAT could be WORSE than that?
Doctor: Well, I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient: Ouch... I suppose you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called back with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's horrible! Oh My God! WHAT could be WORSE than that?
Doctor: Well, I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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