A doctor put an extremely fat woman on diet. She was so fat that standing up she looked like she was sitting down. The doctor said to her,"You can have 3 lettuce leaves, one piece of dry toast, one glass of orange juice and one tomato."
"Do I take them before or after meals doctor?"
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Anxiety
A doctor diagnosed a patient's condition as too much worrying over money matters,
"Relax" the doctor said to him "Just two weeks ago I had another fellow here and he couldn't pay his tailor's huge bills, so I told him to forget about them and now he feels great."
"I know," said the patient, "I'm his tailor."
"Relax" the doctor said to him "Just two weeks ago I had another fellow here and he couldn't pay his tailor's huge bills, so I told him to forget about them and now he feels great."
"I know," said the patient, "I'm his tailor."
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Absent-minded Student
An absent-minded Student went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on? And who the hell are you man? What are you doing in my house?' said the student.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on? And who the hell are you man? What are you doing in my house?' said the student.
Miserable Toothbrush
One day a miserable toothbrush sits down and says, ''Sometimes I feel I have the worst job in the world.''
Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"
Then the toilet paper yells, "Think again buddy!"
Things You’ll Learn By The Time Your 50
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe "Daylight Saving Time."
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
- If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to your father.
- If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
- If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dip.
- And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe "Daylight Saving Time."
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
- If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to your father.
- If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
- If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dip.
- And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
"Self Appraisal"
A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep
your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will
have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."
Woman: No, thank you.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No thanks,
Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the
job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:
Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?
Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."
Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.
Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep
your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will
have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."
Woman: No, thank you.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.
Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
Boy: "No thanks,
Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.
Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the
job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"
Friday, May 28, 2010
Random Thinking
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor and why do bars have parking lots?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor and why do bars have parking lots?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
The Designated Decoy
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Performance Evaluation Quotations
Somewhere, in some office or human resources department... an employee has had a performance evaluation. Most of the time these go well, with someone getting a raise or a boost in moral... other times... not so well. The following are actual quotes taken from various performance evaluation tests at a company (to remain anonymous).
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
When He's Drunk
A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was only doing 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No sir, only when he's drunk."
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was only doing 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No sir, only when he's drunk."
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Bad and Worse
Doctor: I have some bad news and some worse news.
Patient: Ouch... I suppose you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called back with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's horrible! Oh My God! WHAT could be WORSE than that?
Doctor: Well, I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient: Ouch... I suppose you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called back with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's horrible! Oh My God! WHAT could be WORSE than that?
Doctor: Well, I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Bring Me A Glass Of Water
One night a father sent his son upstairs to bed. Five
minutes later the boy screamed, ”Dad! Can you get me a
glass of water!?!”
”No. You had your chance. Be quiet and go to sleep.”
A minute later the boy screamed, ”Dad!! Can you PLEASE get
me a glass of water?”
”No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I’ll come up
there and spank you.”
A minute later the boy yelled, ”Dad, when you come up to
spank me can you bring me a glass of water?”
Monday, May 24, 2010
Magical Mirror
There is legend that goes like this: Far far away in a jungle there's a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish... but if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up for eternity.
Three friends Russian, American and a Sikh walk into that very jungle - with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The Russian goes first and says "I think I'm the most intelligent man on Earth" POOF! - the mirror swallows him up and he's gone for eternity.
The American goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the most trustworthy man on Earth" POOF - now he's gone too.
Lastly, the Sikh goes up to the mirror says " I think........" - POOF!
Three friends Russian, American and a Sikh walk into that very jungle - with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The Russian goes first and says "I think I'm the most intelligent man on Earth" POOF! - the mirror swallows him up and he's gone for eternity.
The American goes up to the mirror and says "I think I'm the most trustworthy man on Earth" POOF - now he's gone too.
Lastly, the Sikh goes up to the mirror says " I think........" - POOF!
When A Mathematician Writes A Love Letter
My Dear Love,
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in
trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular
face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your
triangular garden.
Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a
vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a
deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart,
it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots,
which only you can solve by making good binary relation
with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.
I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions
but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits
from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The
geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on
date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of
160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial
of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives
of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Yours ever loving,
Pythagoras
Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in
trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular
face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your
triangular garden.
Before seeing you, my heart was a null set, but when a
vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a
deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart,
it differentiated.
My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots,
which only you can solve by making good binary relation
with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.
I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions
but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits
from zero to infinity.
You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The
geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.
My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on
date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of
160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial
of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives
of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.
Yours ever loving,
Pythagoras
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Real And Funny News Headlines
The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony in some of these is absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though sometimes awkward). Check them out...
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.
Salty Coffee
He met her on a party. She was so outstanding, many guys chasing after her, while he so normal, nobody paid attention to him. At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but due to being polite, she promised. They sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please, let me go home.... suddenly he asked the waiter. "would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee."
Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him curiously; why you have this hobby? He replied: "when I was a little boy, I was living near the sea, I like playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there". While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.
That's his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of home. Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story.
They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed him! Thanks to his salty coffee!
Then the story was just like every beautiful love story , the princess married to the prince, then they were living the happy life... And, every time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee e, as she knew that's the way he liked it.
After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: "My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I said to you---the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead.I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything..
Now I'm dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste.. But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you and have you for my whole life,even though I have to drink the salty coffee again".
Her tears made the letter totally wet.Someday, someone asked her: what's the taste of salty coffee?
It's sweet. She replied.
Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him curiously; why you have this hobby? He replied: "when I was a little boy, I was living near the sea, I like playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there". While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.
That's his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can tell out his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of home. Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story.
They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed him! Thanks to his salty coffee!
Then the story was just like every beautiful love story , the princess married to the prince, then they were living the happy life... And, every time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee e, as she knew that's the way he liked it.
After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: "My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I said to you---the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead.I never thought that could be the start of our communication! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything..
Now I'm dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste.. But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! Since I knew you, I never feel sorry for anything I do for you. Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, still want to know you and have you for my whole life,even though I have to drink the salty coffee again".
Her tears made the letter totally wet.Someday, someone asked her: what's the taste of salty coffee?
It's sweet. She replied.
3 Engineers And 3 Accountants
3 engineers and 3 accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 accountants each buy tickets and watch as the 3 engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the 3 accountants cram into a restroom and the 3 engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
"How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the 3 accountants cram into a restroom and the 3 engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Jigsaw Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde replied, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's just have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed... "We'll put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde replied, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's just have a nice cup of tea, and then .." He sighed... "We'll put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."
The Salary Theorem
Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Foresight Of An Old Man
Young Man: Sir, may I know the time, please?
Old Man: Certainly not.
Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to loose,
if you tell me the time?
Old Man: Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the
time.
Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?
Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will
definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will
ask me the time.
Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.
Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me.Then as a courtesy, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again. This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?
Young Man: Possible
Old Man: made it Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you &; you will admire my daughter.
Young Man: Smiles. ;)
Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and star waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.
Young Man: Oh Yes! and smiles
Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my Daughter to a person like you who does not even own a Watch..
Old Man: Certainly not.
Young Man: Sir, but why? What are you going to loose,
if you tell me the time?
Old Man: Yes, I may loose something if I tell you the
time.
Young Man: But Sir, can you tell me how?
Old Man : See, if I tell you the time you will
definitely thank me and may be tomorrow again you will
ask me the time.
Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: May be we meet two three times more and you will ask my name and address.
Young Man: Quite possible.
Old Man: One day you may come to my house saying you were just passing by and came into wish me.Then as a courtesy, I will offer you a cup of tea. After my courteous approach you will try to come again. This time you will appreciate tea and ask who has made it.?
Young Man: Possible
Old Man: made it Then I will tell you that my daughter has and I will then have to introduce my young and pretty daughter to you &; you will admire my daughter.
Young Man: Smiles. ;)
Old Man: Now onwards you will try to meet my daughter again and again. You will offer her to go out for a movie together and a date with you.
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: My daughter may start liking you and star waiting for you. After meeting regularly you will fall in love with her and propose her for marriage.
Young Man: Smiles
Old Man: One day both of you will come to me and tell me about your love and ask for my permission.
Young Man: Oh Yes! and smiles
Old Man: (Angrily) Young man, I will never marry my Daughter to a person like you who does not even own a Watch..
Words Of Wisdom
Here are some words of wisdom
# If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
# A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
# Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
# For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
# He who hesitates is probably right.
# Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
# No one is listening until you make a mistake.
# Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
# The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.
# The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
# To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
# To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to destroy all evidence that you tried.
# If at first you don't succeed, rise above your principles.
# Two wrongs are only the beginning.
# Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
# You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
# The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
# Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
# The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
# If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
# A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
# Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
# For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
# He who hesitates is probably right.
# Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
# No one is listening until you make a mistake.
# Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
# The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.
# The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
# To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
# To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to destroy all evidence that you tried.
# If at first you don't succeed, rise above your principles.
# Two wrongs are only the beginning.
# Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
# You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
# The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
# Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
# The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
welcome To The Psychiatric Hot-line
Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hot-line. Please listen to our menu carefully, as our options may have changed.
* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the call.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
* If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
* If you are phobic, don't press anything.
* If you are anal-retentive, please hold.
* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the call.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
* If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
* If you are phobic, don't press anything.
* If you are anal-retentive, please hold.
Security Quiz
This job security quiz will help determine how long you'll be at your current job and what what kind of future you'll have. Much better than an 8 ball I think.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
Scoring the job security quiz:
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?
A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."
When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...
A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.
Scoring the job security quiz:
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
You and Your Boss
For those that don't know, being the boss is a tough job. Expectations, requisitions (is that even a word?), etc. - really hard work and stuff. If you didn't already know, here's the 10 major differences between you (the worker) and your (wonderful) boss.
* When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
* When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
* When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
* When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
* When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.
* When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
* When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
* When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
* When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
* When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
* When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
* When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
* When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
* When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
* When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.
* When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
* When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
* When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
* When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
* When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Diet Tips
Some diet tips that actually work. Enjoy feeling better about yourself.
1. If no one sees you eat it - it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts such as: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you - then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods don't count because they are simply part of the entire entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel; such as Milk Duds, popcorn with extra butter, and Junior Mints.
1. If no one sees you eat it - it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts such as: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you - then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods don't count because they are simply part of the entire entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel; such as Milk Duds, popcorn with extra butter, and Junior Mints.
A Game Of Intelligence
A girl found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the girl wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the girl could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the girl reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word she handed him $5.
The girl then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the girl $50.00
The girl put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the girl handed him $5.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word she handed him $5.
The girl then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the girl $50.00
The girl put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the girl handed him $5.
The Queen And George W.Bush
While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. In conversation, he asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says she surround herself with intelligent people, which helps her to make wise decisions. He asks how she knows if the people around her are intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and asks, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Umm, so like... your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms onders the question for several minutes and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting with the other senior senators and they puzzle over the question for several hours but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Colin answers immediately, "It's me of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
"Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and asks, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Umm, so like... your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms onders the question for several minutes and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting with the other senior senators and they puzzle over the question for several hours but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Colin answers immediately, "It's me of course, you dumb ass."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"
Sunday, May 16, 2010
You Know Your Broke When.....
Just in case you don't know if you're broke, here are some ways to tell...
* At KFC you lick other people's fingers.
* If you wanted to rub two nickels together you'd have to borrow one.
* At communion you go back for seconds.
* You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
* You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
* Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
* If you stopped on a dime, you'd probably owe it to someone.
* McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
* Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
* You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice and cookie.
* At KFC you lick other people's fingers.
* If you wanted to rub two nickels together you'd have to borrow one.
* At communion you go back for seconds.
* You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
* You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
* Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
* If you stopped on a dime, you'd probably owe it to someone.
* McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
* Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
* You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice and cookie.
Your Dog Can't Swim
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Three Hunters
Three hunters decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."
So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."
So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."
So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"
The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.
The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked.
"Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."
"And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Three Wishes
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral
of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention
female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers, continue reading....
...
...
...
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral
of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention
female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers, continue reading....
...
...
...
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!
710
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a "seven-hundred-ten".
We all looked at each other, confused, and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine? I lost it and need a new one..." She said that she didn't know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there and looked important.
Confused, the mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. Still didn't get it. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Yes of course, its right there."
It was an oil cap and she was reading it upside down.
We all looked at each other, confused, and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine? I lost it and need a new one..." She said that she didn't know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there and looked important.
Confused, the mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. Still didn't get it. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Yes of course, its right there."
It was an oil cap and she was reading it upside down.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Is Baseball In Heaven?
Two friends, John and Jeff, happened to be two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, John and Jeff discussed baseball history in the winter and studied over every box score during the season. They went to a hundred games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Mets victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Jeff awoke to the sound of John's voice from beyond. "John is that you?" Jeff asked.
"Of course it me," John replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Jeff exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Jeff."
"Oh, that's great! So what's the bad news?" You're pitching tomorrow night!"
One summer night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Mets victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Jeff awoke to the sound of John's voice from beyond. "John is that you?" Jeff asked.
"Of course it me," John replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Jeff exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Jeff."
"Oh, that's great! So what's the bad news?" You're pitching tomorrow night!"
Moving Walls
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
Surprised the father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma..."
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
Surprised the father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma..."
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Windows Vista Error Messages
The following is a list of twenty new error messages planned for Microsoft Vista. High tech systems call for high tech error messages, those at Micro$oft hope that these solutions are detailed enough to work out your problem while being simple enough to understand.
01) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
02) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
03) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
04) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
05) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
06) Run time Error 6D at 417 A:32CF: Incompetent User.
07) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
08) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
09) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
10) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
11) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
12) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
13) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
14) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) User Error: Replace user.
18) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
19) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
20) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
01) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
02) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
03) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
04) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
05) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
06) Run time Error 6D at 417 A:32CF: Incompetent User.
07) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
08) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
09) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
10) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
11) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
12) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
13) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
14) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) User Error: Replace user.
18) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
19) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
20) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
Any Grapes?
A duck walks into a convenient store and asks, " Do you sell any grapes here?"
The manager says, " No, we don't sell grapes."
The next day the duck waddles into the store and asks, "Do you sell grapes here?" The manager says, " No, we don't."
The third day the duck meanders into the store and asks, "Do you sell grapes here?"
The manager says, " Look! If I told you once, I told you three times, we dont see grapes here!
The next time you come in here asking for grapes, I am going to nail your webbed feet to the wall!"
The following day the duck enters the store and asks, " Do you have any nails?"
The manager says, " No. We don't sell nails here."
The duck says, " GOOD. Do you have any grapes?"
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Wisdom Words
Wisdom is best defined as the ability to judge what is true and right, to have common sense and good judgment. Unfortunately, there's not much of that going around these days. Common sense just isn't that common anymore. Here are some excellent words of wisdom, good judgment that comes from knowledge and experience in life.
# If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
# Your sole purpose in life may be to simply serve as a warning to others.
# It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
# People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
# Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
# If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a few car payments.
# If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
# You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.
# If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again it was probably worth it.
# Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.
# To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
# Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.
# A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.
# Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
# Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
# Some days you're the bug, other days you're the windshield.
# Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
# Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
# Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
# Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
# The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.
# If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
# Your sole purpose in life may be to simply serve as a warning to others.
# It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
# People will accept your idea more readily, if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
# Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
# If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a few car payments.
# If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
# You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.
# If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again it was probably worth it.
# Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.
# To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
# Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger.
# A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.
# Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
# Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
# Some days you're the bug, other days you're the windshield.
# Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
# Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.
# Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
# Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
# The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle.
Job
A girl walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders the desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. To just 'play along' and humor her.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?" "Ummm... 4!" she says.
Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?" "Ummm... 10!" the girl says.
"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" "Ummm... I don't know," she admits.
"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.
The girl goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
"Not only did I get the job," the girl says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?" "Ummm... 4!" she says.
Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?" "Ummm... 10!" the girl says.
"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" "Ummm... I don't know," she admits.
"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.
The girl goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
"Not only did I get the job," the girl says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"
Monday, May 10, 2010
Lion Taming
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"I'll pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on it!"
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"I'll pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on it!"
Wish Granted
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."
He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish."
And I said, "No shit."
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Speeding
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?" "She's in the trunk if you want to see" replied the man.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?" asked the man. "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner" replied the officer. "Murdered the owner?" asked the man in disbelief.
The officer insists, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?" The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but empty space. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the liar 'll say I was speeding, too!"
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?" "She's in the trunk if you want to see" replied the man.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?" asked the man. "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner" replied the officer. "Murdered the owner?" asked the man in disbelief.
The officer insists, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car?" The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but empty space. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the liar 'll say I was speeding, too!"
The President of the United States is dead
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They are all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept sayin' he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is."
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They are all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept sayin' he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is."
Friday, May 7, 2010
The Spooky Car
This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true.
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car started to move very slowly.The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Scotch.
Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listed in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story, hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk!
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, "Hey, there's him.... who jumped into the car while we were pushing it!"
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car started to move very slowly.The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Scotch.
Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listed in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story, hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk!
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, "Hey, there's him.... who jumped into the car while we were pushing it!"
Friends
There's been strong debate over the years as to who has the better friends. Men or Women??? Women claim to be closer and men claim to stick together. After many polls, surveys, and statistics the speculation is over. One particular case sums it up...
Women’s Friends
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.
Men’s Friends
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Women’s Friends
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.
Men’s Friends
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Assassin For FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testings were done three finalists remained. Richard, Sam and Jane were to be given a final test.
For the final test, the FBI agents took Richard to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find Betty, your wife, sitting in a chair. Kill Her!" Richard said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
Sam was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Sam came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally it was Jane's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband Bob. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Jane, wiping the sweat from her brow. "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with a chair."
For the final test, the FBI agents took Richard to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find Betty, your wife, sitting in a chair. Kill Her!" Richard said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
Sam was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Sam came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally it was Jane's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband Bob. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Jane, wiping the sweat from her brow. "The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with a chair."
Diet Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a lamb eat? Leaves and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a kabab is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Its only the misconception, that narrow minded people have. So, Bottoms up!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Can You Give Me A Push?
At 3:30am a man sleeping sound in his bed and there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah, please."
Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts again "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "Over here... on your porch swing."
"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah, please."
Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts again "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "Over here... on your porch swing."
On A Deserted Island
Three girls were stranded on an deserted island. The first of them looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." She swam out five miles and got really tired, by the time she made it ten miles she was too tired to go on, and she drowned.
The second girl said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than to stay here and starve to death." So she attempts to swim out. She had a lot more endurance than the first girl, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, and she drowned.
The third girl thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
The second girl said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than to stay here and starve to death." So she attempts to swim out. She had a lot more endurance than the first girl, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, and she drowned.
The third girl thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Algebra Terrorist
At the Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) while attempting to board a flight.
In his possession they found a ruler, protractor, set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
(Ok, ok, this was dumb. I thought it was cute.)
In his possession they found a ruler, protractor, set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
(Ok, ok, this was dumb. I thought it was cute.)
19 Fun Things To Do On An Elevator
Next time you're on an elevator and feel alittle bored, liven up the moment with some of these insightful ideas. Guaranteed to make heads turn or your money back.
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
4. Swat at flies that don't exist.
5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
7. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
8. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
9. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
10. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
11. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
12. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
14. Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."
15. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
16. Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.
17. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"
18. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
19. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
4. Swat at flies that don't exist.
5. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
7. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
8. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they hear something ticking.
9. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
10. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
11. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
12. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
14. Before the elevator door opens shout "DING" and then laugh and say "beat you again Mr Elevator."
15. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
16. Hire a labrador, wear sunglasses and repeatedly walk into the walls whilst pretending to not hear the other passenger's direction.
17. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "that's mine!"
18. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
19. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Prison And Office
In case you ever get these two environments confused, this should clear things up a bit. Now, aren't you glad to be free?
* In prison you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell. At office you get a 6x6 cubicle.
* In prison you get three free meals per day. At office, you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
* In prison you get time off for good behavior. At office you get more work for good behavior.
* In prison the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At office you have to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.
* In prison you get to watch TV and play games. At office, you'll get fired for doing that.
* In prison you get your own toilet. At office, you have to share a toilet with folks who pee on the seat.
* In prison they allow you to see your friends and family. At office, you're not even supposed to speak to them.
* In prison you spend most of your time inside bars wanting to get out. At office, you spend most of your time wanting to be in bars.
* In prison you have to deal with a sadistic, irritated, grumpy and impatient warden. At office, he's called your boss.
There is something seriously wrong with this picture... now get back to work! You're not getting paid to read jokes!
* In prison you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell. At office you get a 6x6 cubicle.
* In prison you get three free meals per day. At office, you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
* In prison you get time off for good behavior. At office you get more work for good behavior.
* In prison the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At office you have to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.
* In prison you get to watch TV and play games. At office, you'll get fired for doing that.
* In prison you get your own toilet. At office, you have to share a toilet with folks who pee on the seat.
* In prison they allow you to see your friends and family. At office, you're not even supposed to speak to them.
* In prison you spend most of your time inside bars wanting to get out. At office, you spend most of your time wanting to be in bars.
* In prison you have to deal with a sadistic, irritated, grumpy and impatient warden. At office, he's called your boss.
There is something seriously wrong with this picture... now get back to work! You're not getting paid to read jokes!
Beethoven’s Grave
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Monday, May 3, 2010
10 Things You Probably Shouldn’t Say To A Police Officer
If you're ever pulled over for speeding (or any other reason really), you probably shouldn't say any of the following to the officer standing at your window...
01) I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
02) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
03) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, so long as one of us does.
04) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
05) I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
06) Hey pal, I pay your salary!
07) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
08) Hey, you must have been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
09) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
01) I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
02) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
03) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, so long as one of us does.
04) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
05) I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
06) Hey pal, I pay your salary!
07) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
08) Hey, you must have been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
09) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
When A Cat Stutters
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. A little boy raises his hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," he volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the boy to describe the incident.
"Well," he began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must have been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was!" said the boy. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck", the Rottweiler ate him!"
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the boy to describe the incident.
"Well," he began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must have been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was!" said the boy. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck", the Rottweiler ate him!"
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Men And Women
Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail etc. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatic. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.
Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.
Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail etc. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Directions
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatic. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.
Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.
Plants
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
A Successful Lawyer
A local Goodwill office realized that their organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The manager in charge of financial contributions telephoned the lawyer in an attempt to persuade him to contribute.
"Sir, our research shows that while you make an annual income of over $500,000 you haven't donated anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to our community?"
The lawyer thought this over for a bit and finally replied, "Well, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills adding up to several times over her annual income?" Embarrassed, the Goodwill manager mumbled, "Um... no sir but..."
Cutting the Goodwill rep off, the lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The embarrassed Goodwill rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted yet again. "
Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated representative, completely beaten, simply sighed, "I had no idea... I'm sor..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
"Sir, our research shows that while you make an annual income of over $500,000 you haven't donated anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to our community?"
The lawyer thought this over for a bit and finally replied, "Well, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills adding up to several times over her annual income?" Embarrassed, the Goodwill manager mumbled, "Um... no sir but..."
Cutting the Goodwill rep off, the lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The embarrassed Goodwill rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted yet again. "
Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated representative, completely beaten, simply sighed, "I had no idea... I'm sor..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Because I'm Drunk
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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