When Famous People Don't Make Sense

* "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

(Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.)

* Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

(Miss Alabama's Heather Whitestone in the 1994 Miss USA contest, who was later selected as Miss America 1995.)

* "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

(Mariah Carey)

* "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"

(Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.)

* "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"

(Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.)

* "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

(Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.)

* "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

(A congressional candidate in Texas.)

* "Half this game is ninety percent mental."

(Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark)

* "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

And (yea he gets two)...

" We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

(Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States (and inventor of teh internet : ))

* "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

(Dan Quayle)

*"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

(Lee Iacocca)

* "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

(Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.)

* "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people"

(Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.)

*"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

(Bill Clinton, Former President of the United States)

* "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

(Keppel Enderbery)

* "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

(Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina )

* "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

(Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman)

Best Known Man

There was a man named Sulio and Sulio knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Sulio got a new job, Sulio says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!" His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Sulio says "Yes I do!" so Sulio's boss says "Well prove it!" then Sulio says "Pick someone... and I know them!"

Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"

This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!

Shortly afterward, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!