When Famous People Don't Make Sense

* "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

(Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.)

* Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

(Miss Alabama's Heather Whitestone in the 1994 Miss USA contest, who was later selected as Miss America 1995.)

* "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

(Mariah Carey)

* "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"

(Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.)

* "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"

(Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.)

* "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

(Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.)

* "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

(A congressional candidate in Texas.)

* "Half this game is ninety percent mental."

(Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark)

* "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

And (yea he gets two)...

" We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

(Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States (and inventor of teh internet : ))

* "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

(Dan Quayle)

*"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

(Lee Iacocca)

* "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

(Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.)

* "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people"

(Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.)

*"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

(Bill Clinton, Former President of the United States)

* "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

(Keppel Enderbery)

* "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

(Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina )

* "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

(Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman)

An Incredible Archer

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and right in the middle of each was an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly. "No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely. "But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree... and then I paint the target around it."

Faith

It had been raining for days and days, and a great flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Oh my Lord" he said, "I had faith in you... I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

Greatest Pitcher In The World

A little kid was overheard talking to himself as he walked through his backyard, wearing his baseball cap and carrying a bat and ball, "I'm the greatest batter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest swinger in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully, surely there must be something wrong with one of them. Satisfied it was a fluke, he spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and boasted - this time, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.

Cops Say

* "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on this ticket, huh?"

* "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that 'll be chasing you."

* "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a dog or cat?"

* "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

* "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

* "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

* "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

* "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

* "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

* "Now exactly how big were those 'Just two beers' you had?"

* "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

* "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Paulk is a personal friend of yours. You know someone who can post your bail."

* "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.

Breathe In, Breathe OUt

One day a blonde woman went to a salon to get a haircut.
“How may I help you?” asked the hair dresser.
“I would like a haircut, please.” said the blonde, but she had headphones in her ears.
“Okay, but you will have to take out your headphones,” said the hair dresser.
“I can’t!” yelled the blonde.
“Why not?” asked the hairdresser.
“I will die without these!”said the blonde.
“Then I can’t give you a haircut.”said the hairdresser.
“Please!” begged the blonde. The hairdresser agreed.
As the hair dresser got ready to cut the blonde’s hair, she quickly pulled out the headphones. After a second the blonde girl fell dead.
Astounded, the hairdresser put the headphones in her ears to hear what the blonde needed so badly. And What she heard,
“Breathe in. Breathe out.….”

Mom Died

A man goes into work one morning crying his eyes out. His boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The man replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young man. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The man very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the man to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on him. He looks out over his office and sees the man hysterically crying!! He rushes out to him, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"

"No!" exclaims the man. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"

A Lawyer’s Judgment Day

A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, "Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer quickly retaliated, "Wait Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.

Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

POTATO!

Three girls were on the run from the cops - a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. During the subsequent high speed chase the red head spotted a potato farm and suggested that the girls should hide out there.

Once at the farm all three girls girls climbed into a potato sack. The cops came to the potato farm, looked around, but saw no sign of the girls. The sheriff started kicking potato sacks to see if maybe they were hiding.

The sheriff kicked the bag with the red head in it and she yelped "Bark Bark" so they thought it was a dog. He kicked another sack, this one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow Meow" so they thought it was a cat. Finally, just as the sheriff was about to give up - he kicked one last bag, with the blonde inside, and heard "POTATO!"

A Ventriloquist And A Blonde

A young, successful ventriloquist is on tour and stops in a small town to perform at a club. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman from the third row stands on her chair and screams: "I've had just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?"

"What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" she goes on to say... "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large - all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde screams again, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee!"

10 Signs You’re An Internet Geek

1. When filling out your driver's license application you give them your IP address.

2. You often say "LOL" and "LMAO" out loud.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

4. You introduce your wife as "my@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

5. You search the net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is actually a food.

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates for their phone number, instead you ask for their myspace.

10. You've actually reached the end of the internet.

25 Cents

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right at the fifty yard line. It was exciting too, a real nail biter. After the game, he asked her if she had a good time.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but... I just couldn't understand why they were all killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Three Men In A Forest

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river" Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river" Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river" Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

Genuine Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Bribery

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them" said the lawyer.

"But, I did send them" said the defendant.

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Who Is Better Listener?

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

Witty Parents

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin Christmas this year, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Atlanta and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

Some Doctor Jokes

# "Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

# Patient: "Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus." Doctor: "Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

# The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

# A Short History of Medicine: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

* 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
* 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
* 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
* 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
* 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
* 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"


# The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor." "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

Clever GI Insurance Salesman

Airman Jackson was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Haverty noticed that Airman Jackson was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jackson's sales pitch.

Jackson explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they're gonna send into battle first?"

She

* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

* She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* She studied for a blood test.

* When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

* She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

* She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

* She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

* She tried to drown a fish.

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

* She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

* When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

* She called me to get my phone number.

* She tripped over a cordless phone.

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.

Panda Bear, Eats shoots and leaves

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.

The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food."

The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

The Evolution Of Man And Woman

Barbie Dolls

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

A Happy Little Old Man

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six!" he said.

Old Pirate's Tale

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?"

"I was swept overboard during a fierce storm," says the pirate. "and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!"

"Holy cow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook, how'd you get that?"

"Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!"

"Absolutely incredible!" gasped the sailor. "And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?"

"A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarrassed, the pirate answered "It was me first day with the hook."

25 Things I Learned From My Mom

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
Because I said so, that's why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with
me.

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
Stop acting like your father!

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do.

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
Just wait until we get home.

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
You are going to get it when you get home!

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.

19. My mother taught me ESP.
Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?

20. My mother taught me HUMOR (so that I could write this blog... ummm yea).
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
You're just like your father.

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

Three Blond Women On An Island

Three blond women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came across a buried lamp. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.

The first blond woman asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The second blond woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. She is instantly turned into a black haired woman. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blond asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

A Witty Lawyer

A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.

"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Curious Twelve

A bright young man was walking down a road in his neighborhood and, as he walked past a red building with a tall white fence around it, he heard a crowd of people chanting "Twelve, twelve, twelve" over and over again...

Curiosity getting the best of him, he tried to look up over the fence to see what was going on but it was too tall. Alas, he spotted a hole in the wood.

He put his eye to the hole. He had just managed to see some old people sitting on lawn chairs chanting when a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye! As he staggered back, the old people began chanting, "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..."

Chocolate Chip Cookies

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died...

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral," she replied.

A Day Off

So you want a day off huh? Well, let's just take a look at what you're asking for ok?

There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you've used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you're gonna take that day off!

A Biker and The Lord

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?."

A Japanese Meter

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On his last day, he hail a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan."

After awhile, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan."

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan."

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.

The fare was $300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Waaah...so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan."

A Blind Man And An Eye Dog

A blind man, with a seeing eye dog at his side, walks into his local grocery store. He walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who up until this point thought he had seen it all, thinks this is quite strange. So he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and asks, "Pardon me. May I help you with something?"

The blind man replies, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

Retirement Home

A Doctor recently got his doctorate in psychology and his first assignment was to visit the community loony bin retirement home for the patient's monthly mental examination.

He sees his first patient and asks him, "Ralph, how much is six times six?" Ralph responds "74." He asks the next resident, "Tim, how much is six times six?" Tom responds, "Thursday." Expecting more of the same, he approaches Randy and asks him, "Randy, how much is six times?" "THIRTY-SIX" replies Randy. "That's right Randy, well done! Now tell me how did you know that answer?" "Oh it was easy... I just subtracted 74 from Thursday!"

Mailbox

A Woman was in her front yard watering her roses when her hasband came out of the house and rushed straight to the mailbox, opened it, looked in,then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

As she was getting ready to prune the roses, her husband came back out to the mailbox, opened it, felt all the way to the back,and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her husband's actions she asked him, "Is something wrong honey?"

To which he replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

Finally the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"

Lawyer And An Honest Man

A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"

"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Lawyers Lawyers

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: A party.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Light Bulb Joke

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. Eighteen to stand around, one to change the bulb, and another to supervise.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, another to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor (ouch.. I can't believe I posted this one).

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to refer an installation specialist, and another to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it too.

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

Surgeon’s conversation

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.

* The first surgeon said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
* The second replied, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
* The third added, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
* The fourth one boasted, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
* Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."

Lawyer And An Honest Man

A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"

"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Funny Questions

What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant!

Why did the kid study in an airplane?
He wanted a higher education!

Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!

What runs but never walks?
Water!

Economic Viruses Of The Economic Viruses Of The World

Government Virus - Nothing seems to get better, but all the elected officials say it's getting better.

Political Virus - Doesn't actually do anything, but you can't get rid of it until the next election.

Econometrician Virus - Sixty percent of the economies infected will lose 17 percent of their GDP 12 percent of the time (+/- a 2% margin of error).

Marxian Virus - Helps your economy go into a depression whenever it wants to.

Environmental Virus - Before allowing you to fix the recession, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

Chinese Virus - Crashes your economy, but denies it ever happened and calls you a liar.

AIG Virus - Makes sure it's too big to fail, while crashing everything else.

Stimulus Virus - Puts your economy in a recession for four years. When you finally recover, you're 10 trillion more dollars in debt.