Nothing!!!

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!!!"

Funny Questions

What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant!

Why did the kid study in an airplane?
He wanted a higher education!

Why do birds fly south in the winter?
Because it's too far to walk!

What runs but never walks?
Water!

I am Joking

You are so....

A-ATTRACTIVE
B-BEST
C-CUTE
D-DEAR 2 ME
E-EXCELLENT
F-FUNNY
G-GOOD LOOKING
H- HA HA HA
I- I M
J- JOKING

"Empty Handed"

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.

"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."

"Great. Where do you live?"

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."

"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Who's Smarter?

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

Stupid Who?

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Who Dares Wins???

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it!

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me who pushed me in."

"WELL CONCIDER BEFORE YOU WISH"

3 guys been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went
to sleep. Then an old guy came in out of nowhere and said "there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. You shall get what, if you jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the 3 guys went over the pool. The first guy liked bananas, yelled out "BANANAS!"
and landed in the pool of bananas.
The 2nd guy was money hungry and yelled out "MONEY!"
and landed in a pile of money.
The 3rd guy was about to jump when a bird shits on his head. And he yelled "OH SHIT!"