3 Rings Circus

Marriage is a three ring circus ...
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering ...

Wedding Video Backwards

I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

Nothing!!!

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!!!"

Wise Son

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

The Meaning Of Dreams

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.
What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled,
"The meaning of dreams"

F*ckin' French Toast

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.
The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."

Anger Management

Husband: every time I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............
Husband: how does it help
Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!

How Was The Mankind Created

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Problem

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a blonde who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect blonde? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect blonde. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

A Lazy Man

A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to.
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Computer Jokes

* There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

* What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?
The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.

* "Knock, knock.Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."

* A system administrator has 2 problems:
- dumb users
- smart users

* How do two programmers make money?
- One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses

* Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

* I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.

* If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

* I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

A Talking Frog And A Computer Programmer

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion. Please!!!" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "Will you kiss me and turn me back into a princess???" Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess. And I will be your loving companion. The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Wise Parrot

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."

Talking Dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
The guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you."
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Amazing Dog

A man is walking home when he sees a dog buying meat for his owner.The man watches the dog when the butcher takes a little to much and growls and him until he gets the right amount.
The man follows the dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady across the street.
Amazed the man follows the dog home and watches the dog ring the doorbell. When the owner comes to the door the owner takes the bags and tells the dog to stay in the front yard.
Frustrated the man goes up to the owner and yells "This dog is amazing! He gets your groceries, makes sure you have the exact change, helps old ladies across the street and this is how you treat him!"
The owner replies" I know but,this is the 3rd time this week he left his keys".

That is not my dog

(Scene from one of the old Pink Panther films)
"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
(Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him)
"Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"That is not my dog."

Imaginations

imagine that you are in the forest where there is a tiger in front of you right about to eat you. What do you do?
...

U stop imagining...

Black & White

What goes black white black white.........?
A penguin rolling down a hill!

What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin who pushed him!

Family Trip

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked a little boy about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?" little boy said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

Scary Report Card

A father said to his son, "let me see your report card."

boy replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."