When Famous People Don't Make Sense

* "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

(Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.)

* Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

(Miss Alabama's Heather Whitestone in the 1994 Miss USA contest, who was later selected as Miss America 1995.)

* "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

(Mariah Carey)

* "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"

(Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.)

* "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country"

(Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.)

* "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

(Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.)

* "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

(A congressional candidate in Texas.)

* "Half this game is ninety percent mental."

(Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark)

* "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

And (yea he gets two)...

" We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

(Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States (and inventor of teh internet : ))

* "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

(Dan Quayle)

*"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

(Lee Iacocca)

* "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

(Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.)

* "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people"

(Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.)

*"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

(Bill Clinton, Former President of the United States)

* "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

(Keppel Enderbery)

* "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

(Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina )

* "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

(Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman)

An Incredible Archer

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and right in the middle of each was an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly. "No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely. "But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree... and then I paint the target around it."

Faith

It had been raining for days and days, and a great flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Oh my Lord" he said, "I had faith in you... I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"