Problem

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a blonde who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect blonde? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect blonde. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Blonde In Library

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

$20 Million

A blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. She goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The blonde says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, mam. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The blonde said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

A Brunette And A Blonde Chased By Police

A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street when they passed a cop. "Oh no!" cried the brunette. "Is he following me?" "Yep," replied the blonde.

"I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?" said the brunette. "Yep," replied the blonde.

"Is the cop still following me?" "Yep."

"Are his lights on?" "Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."

DEPRESS BUTTON

A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine...

"You're a dumb-looking button!" "You don't have much of a future, either!" "You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!" "I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!"

Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.

"What in the heck are you doing?" her boyfriend asks.

The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads... "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".

Blonde In Pain

A girl says to her doctor, "You have to help me. I hurt all over."

She touches her right knee with her index finger and says, "Ow! That hurts."

She touches her left cheek with her index finger and says, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

She touches her right earlobe with her index finger and says, "Ow! Even that hurts."

The doctor says, "Are you a natural blonde?"

She replied, "Yes."

The doctor says, "You have a sprained finger."

710

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a "seven-hundred-ten".

We all looked at each other, confused, and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine? I lost it and need a new one..." She said that she didn't know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there and looked important.

Confused, the mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. Still didn't get it. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Yes of course, its right there."
It was an oil cap and she was reading it upside down.

Breathe In, Breathe OUt

One day a blonde woman went to a salon to get a haircut.
“How may I help you?” asked the hair dresser.
“I would like a haircut, please.” said the blonde, but she had headphones in her ears.
“Okay, but you will have to take out your headphones,” said the hair dresser.
“I can’t!” yelled the blonde.
“Why not?” asked the hairdresser.
“I will die without these!”said the blonde.
“Then I can’t give you a haircut.”said the hairdresser.
“Please!” begged the blonde. The hairdresser agreed.
As the hair dresser got ready to cut the blonde’s hair, she quickly pulled out the headphones. After a second the blonde girl fell dead.
Astounded, the hairdresser put the headphones in her ears to hear what the blonde needed so badly. And What she heard,
“Breathe in. Breathe out.….”

POTATO!

Three girls were on the run from the cops - a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. During the subsequent high speed chase the red head spotted a potato farm and suggested that the girls should hide out there.

Once at the farm all three girls girls climbed into a potato sack. The cops came to the potato farm, looked around, but saw no sign of the girls. The sheriff started kicking potato sacks to see if maybe they were hiding.

The sheriff kicked the bag with the red head in it and she yelped "Bark Bark" so they thought it was a dog. He kicked another sack, this one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow Meow" so they thought it was a cat. Finally, just as the sheriff was about to give up - he kicked one last bag, with the blonde inside, and heard "POTATO!"

A Ventriloquist And A Blonde

A young, successful ventriloquist is on tour and stops in a small town to perform at a club. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman from the third row stands on her chair and screams: "I've had just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?"

"What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" she goes on to say... "It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large - all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde screams again, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee!"

25 Cents

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right at the fifty yard line. It was exciting too, a real nail biter. After the game, he asked her if she had a good time.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but... I just couldn't understand why they were all killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Genuine Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Three Blond Women On An Island

Three blond women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came across a buried lamp. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.

The first blond woman asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The second blond woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. She is instantly turned into a black haired woman. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blond asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.