A Lazy Man

A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to.
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Diet Control

A doctor put an extremely fat woman on diet. She was so fat that standing up she looked like she was sitting down. The doctor said to her,"You can have 3 lettuce leaves, one piece of dry toast, one glass of orange juice and one tomato."
"Do I take them before or after meals doctor?"

Anxiety

A doctor diagnosed a patient's condition as too much worrying over money matters,
"Relax" the doctor said to him "Just two weeks ago I had another fellow here and he couldn't pay his tailor's huge bills, so I told him to forget about them and now he feels great."
"I know," said the patient, "I'm his tailor."

Bad and Worse

Doctor: I have some bad news and some worse news.

Patient: Ouch... I suppose you might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called back with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That's horrible! Oh My God! WHAT could be WORSE than that?

Doctor: Well, I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Who Is Better Listener?

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

Some Doctor Jokes

# "Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

# Patient: "Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus." Doctor: "Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."

# The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

# A Short History of Medicine: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

* 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
* 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
* 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
* 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
* 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
* 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"


# The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor." "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."