A Small Boy and A Kind Old Man

An old man was walking down the street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy was very small and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the old man moved closer to the boy's position.
He stepped smartly across the street, walked up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the old man smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replied, "Now we run!"

Wise Son

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.
"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

A Lazy Man

A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to.
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Computer Jokes

* There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

* What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?
The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.

* "Knock, knock.Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."

* A system administrator has 2 problems:
- dumb users
- smart users

* How do two programmers make money?
- One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses

* Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

* I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.

* If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

* I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

Stupid Who?

One day there is a couple of kids in a psychology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class "stand up if u think you're stupid!" after about 5 minutes a little boy stood up and the teacher says "do you think you're stupid kid?"

To which that little boy replies "No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!"

Quiz

Questions:

01: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

02: When is an elf not an elf?

03: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

04: What do you call a sheep with no legs?

05: How do you stop a fish from smelling?

06: Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?

07: Why don't aliens eat clowns?

08: There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?

09: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

10: What two muffins in the microwave, talk about?

Answers:

01: A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.

02: When he's got his head up a fairies skirt...then he's a goblin.

03: A carrot.

04: A cloud.

05: Cut its nose off.

06: He was charged with battery.

07: Because they taste funny.

08: The one on the range.

09: A fsh.

10: One of them says: "Man it's hot in here!"
The other muffin exclaims, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

A Bus Full Of Politicians

A bus load of politicians...were driving down an old country road, when the bus they were in ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The farmer said, "I buried 'em all... out back."

The sheriff then asked, "Were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Funny Questions And Answers

Q: What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A: A Stick.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What Do You Call Four Bullfighters in Quicksand?
A: Quatro Sinko.

Q: What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
A: Spoiled Milk.

Q: What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A: A Nervous Wreck.

Q: Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A: Because They Have Big Fingers.

Q: What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
A: Sanka.

Q: What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A: Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

Q: How's A Texas Tornado And An Alabama Divorce The Same?
A: Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Q: What did the left nut say to the right nut?
A: The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard.

Blonde In Library

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!"

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

Learn To Create Bureaucracy, Policy, And Procedures

1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana.

2. As soon as the ape touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result-all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "BECAUSE that's the way it's always been done around here."

The Way Governments Work

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert, Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said,"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said,"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said,"How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said,"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said,"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

A Lingo Dictionary

Pentagon Buzz-
Phrases

Essentially complete...
It's half done.

We predict ...
We hope to God!

Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk:
or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.

Potential show stopper...
The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems...
It'll take a miracle.

Basic agreement has been reached...
The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.

Results are being quantified...
We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review...
Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project.

Not well defined at this time...
Nobody's even thought about it.

Still analyzing the requirements...
See previous answer.

Not well understood...
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.

Requires further analysis and management attention...
Totally out of control!

Results are promising...
Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time.

Fast

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their Dads are.

The first one says:"Well, my Dad runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says:"Ha! You think that's fast! My Dad is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:"You two know nothing about fast. My Dad is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"

A Boy's Letter To His Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

15 Tips To Please Your I.T Department

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in A scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help, it's for wimps.

Money

Money .....

Can buy a house,
but not a home.
Can buy a clock,
but not time.
Can buy a new contact,
but not love.

So pass me all of your money and let me suffer for you.......

Things You’ll Learn By The Time Your 50

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe "Daylight Saving Time."

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:

- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: "meetings."

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:

- If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to your father.

- If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.

- If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dip.

- And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because the advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

"Self Appraisal"

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits (phone numbers).

The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

Boy: "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

Woman: (at the other end of the phone line): "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

Boy: "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."

Woman: I'm very satisfied with the person who is presently cutting my lawn.

Boy: (with more perseverance) : "Lady, I'll even sweep
your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will
have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach , Florida."

Woman: No, thank you.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy.

Store Owner: "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."

Boy: "No thanks,

Store Owner: But you were really pleading for one.

Boy: No Sir, I was just checking my performance at the
job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady I was talking to!"

Random Thinking

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor and why do bars have parking lots?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Performance Evaluation Quotations

Somewhere, in some office or human resources department... an employee has had a performance evaluation. Most of the time these go well, with someone getting a raise or a boost in moral... other times... not so well. The following are actual quotes taken from various performance evaluation tests at a company (to remain anonymous).

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."