A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." To which the old farmer replied "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer answered back, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Showing posts with label lawyer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lawyer. Show all posts
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A Game Of Intelligence
A girl found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the girl wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the girl could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the girl reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word she handed him $5.
The girl then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the girl $50.00
The girl put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the girl handed him $5.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word she handed him $5.
The girl then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the girl $50.00
The girl put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the girl handed him $5.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
A Successful Lawyer
A local Goodwill office realized that their organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The manager in charge of financial contributions telephoned the lawyer in an attempt to persuade him to contribute.
"Sir, our research shows that while you make an annual income of over $500,000 you haven't donated anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to our community?"
The lawyer thought this over for a bit and finally replied, "Well, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills adding up to several times over her annual income?" Embarrassed, the Goodwill manager mumbled, "Um... no sir but..."
Cutting the Goodwill rep off, the lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The embarrassed Goodwill rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted yet again. "
Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated representative, completely beaten, simply sighed, "I had no idea... I'm sor..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
"Sir, our research shows that while you make an annual income of over $500,000 you haven't donated anything to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to our community?"
The lawyer thought this over for a bit and finally replied, "Well, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills adding up to several times over her annual income?" Embarrassed, the Goodwill manager mumbled, "Um... no sir but..."
Cutting the Goodwill rep off, the lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The embarrassed Goodwill rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted yet again. "
Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated representative, completely beaten, simply sighed, "I had no idea... I'm sor..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
A Lawyer’s Judgment Day
A Chicago area divorce lawyer died and found his way to the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The lawyer thought for a moment and replied, "Last month I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was in fact true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer quickly retaliated, "Wait Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.
Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but that in itself just isn't enough to get you into Heaven." The lawyer quickly retaliated, "Wait Wait! There's more! Four years ago I gave another homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this too had been verified.
Saint Peter, unsure of himself, whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Bribery
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them" said the lawyer.
"But, I did send them" said the defendant.
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.
As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them" said the lawyer.
"But, I did send them" said the defendant.
"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
Saturday, April 17, 2010
A Witty Lawyer
A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.
"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Lawyer And An Honest Man
A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"
"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"
"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Lawyers Lawyers
Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: A party.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"
Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: A party.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"
Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Surgeon’s conversation
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.
* The first surgeon said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
* The second replied, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
* The third added, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
* The fourth one boasted, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
* Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
* The first surgeon said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
* The second replied, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
* The third added, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
* The fourth one boasted, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
* Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Lawyer And An Honest Man
A mother and her daughter were visiting the grave site of a loved one, when on their way back to the car they little girl stopped her mom. She said "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"
"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"Of course not, sweetheart." her mother replied, "Why ever would you ask such a question?"
"The headstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Who's Smarter?
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
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