I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and |
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Live To Be 80
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thinking Deep!
* It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
* Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
* Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (it hates that).
* Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* A closed mouth gathers no feet
* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
* It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
* Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at you but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.
* If they arrest the Energizer bunny would they charge it with battery?
* Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.
* Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
* How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
* If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?
* If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
* What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
* What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
* What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?
* How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
* What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?
* Why do banks charge a "Non Sufficient Funds Fee" on money they already know you don't have?
* Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
* Why do scientist call it "re"search when they are looking for something new?
* How come abbreviated is such a long word?
* Why is the alphabet in that order?
* What hair color do they put on the drivers license of bald men?
* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* why does sour cream have an expiry date?
* A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,"Damn, that was fun!"
* If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?
* A nuclear war can ruin your whole day
* Make love not war. Unless you want to do both. If so - get married.
* How do you call a wife who knows where her husband lies down every night? - A widow!
* I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married, but then it was too late.
* A sign in a psychiatrist's clinic says: "Madness is expensive - We accept Credit Cards".
* The more I know people - the more I like my dog.
* Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
* Anyone who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito.
* If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?
* A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
* Can a teacher give a homeless man homework?
* If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?
Friday, December 18, 2009
Best Known Man
Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"
This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"
And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!
Shortly afterward, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton... hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Blind Pilots
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will get in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
A Sikh & Manager
Manager: You are appointed. Your salary is $10,000. From next year it will be $20,000.
Sikh: Okay! I'll join from the next year.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Fire & Firefighter
A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.
"How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.
"How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.
"And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?" asked the fire chief.
"Break out another fire hose." answered the new firefighter.
"Now wait a minute, son," said the fire chief. "Where are all these fire hoses coming from?"
The new firefighter answered, "The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief."
Monday, December 14, 2009
SOME FUNNIEST ADS!
* Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.
* FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
* Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.
* For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.
* Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.
* Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
* Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
* Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
* Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.
* Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.
* Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
* Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.
* Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.
* Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
* Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.
* Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.
* ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
* Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
* Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
* Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.
* Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."
* Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.
* Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.
* Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
ARE YOU IN !
However, I must share the following:
After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute. A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.
So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !
The Lion & The Gorilla
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
"ATM Machines"
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Rabbit Catchers,
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Friday, December 11, 2009
"Empty Handed"
"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Who's Smarter?
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Stupid Who?
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Murphy's Flight Laws!
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
Who Dares Wins???
Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."
Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it!
The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me who pushed me in."
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
how intelligent are you?
Ans: In the ground.
2. What comes down but never goes up?
Ans: rain.
3. If three cats kill three rats in three minutes, how long will it take hundred cats to kill hundred rats?
Ans: three minutes.
4. What can fly but has no wings?
Ans: Time.
5. What always goes 2 sleeps wearing its shoes?
Ans: Horse.
6. I m like a ribbon, tied by nature, across the sky, what m I?
Ans: Rainbow.
7. How would u write nineteen that if one is taken out, then its remains twenty.
Ans: XIX when one is taken out, its remains XX.
8. There were ten sparrows sitting on a tree.
A hunter fired and tow of them fell dead. How many sparrows were left on the tree?
Ans: Non.
9. Two sons and two fathers went hunting.
They succeeded in hunting one pigeon each on counting it was found that they were only three pigeons.
How is that ??
Ans: They were only three persons, son father and grandfather.
10. Which is the hardest key to turn?
Ans: Donkey.
11. which part of London in France?
Ans: -N-
12: why ur nose is not twelve inches long?
Ans: Because then it would be a foot.
13. What r the largest ant in the world?
Ans: Elephant.
14.what is the easiest way to get to heaven quickly?
Ans: just stand in front of the fast moving car
15. Where do fish keep their money?
Ans: at the river bank.
16. Which sea has waves but no water?
Ans: BBC.
17. What do u calls an Arabian milkman?
Ans: milk shaikh.
18. Which is the most shocking city in the world?
Ans: electricity.
20. Which fish lives in heaven?
Ans: Angel fish.
Hilarious One Liners!
* You never run out of things that can go wrong.
* If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
* If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
* If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
* When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
* A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.
* Anybody can win -- unless there happens to be a second entry.
* When all else fails, follow instructions.
* Justice always prevails . . . three times out of seven.
* No matter which direction you start it's always against the wind coming back.
* Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
* It's always the wrong time of the month.
* If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
* What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.
* Don't ask the barber whether you need a haircut.
* Science is Truth. Don't be misled by fact.
* If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
* Anyone who says he isn't going to resign, four times, definitely will.
* Never say "oops" in the operating room.
* The longer ahead you plan a special event, and the more special it is, the more likely it is to go wrong.
* Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.
* The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.
* Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
* Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.
* Less is more.
* The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
* The idea is to die young as late as possible.
* No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
* If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. ("What this country needs are some stronger white rats.")
* There is a solution to every problem; the only difficulty is finding it.
* The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
* If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
* I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.
* When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
* Even paranoids have enemies.
* You can't fall off the floor.
* In any program, any error which can creep in will eventually do so.
* The solution to a problem changes the problem.
* If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
* Evil is live spelled backwards.
* You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool MOM.
* If it works, don't fix it.
* Any line, however short, is still too long.
* Allies come and go; enemies accumulate.
* If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
* If it happens, it must be possible.
* Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugliness goes right to the core.
* If you can't beat them, have them join you.
* If it is green or it wiggles -- it is Biology.
* If it stinks -- it is Chemistry.
* If it doesn't work -- it is Physics.
* People are always available for work in the past tense.
Monday, December 7, 2009
MURPHY'S LAWS
> Everything takes longer than you think.
> Anything that can go wrong will go wong.
> If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
> If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
> If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
> Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
> If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
> Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
> Mother nature is a bitch.
> It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
> Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
> Every solution breeds new problems.
Murphy's Corollaries
- Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
- Law of the Perversity of Nature (Mrs. Murphy's Corollary):
- You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
- Corollary (Jennings):
- The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Murphy's Military Laws
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
3. Friendly fire ain't.
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
"Murphy's Technology Laws"
2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
4. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
5. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
6. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
7. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
8. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
9. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
10. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
11. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
12. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13. All's well that ends.
14. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
15. The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
17. New systems generate new problems.
18. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
19. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
20. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
21. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
22. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
23. The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
24. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
25. Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
26. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
27. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
28. After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
29. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
30. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
31. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
32. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
33. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
34. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
35. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
36. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
37. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
38. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
39. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
40. The only perfect science is hind-sight.
41. Work smarter and not harder and be careful of your speling.
42. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
43. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
44. When all else fails, read the instructions.
45. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
46. Everything that goes up must come down.
47. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
48. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
49. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
50. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
51. Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
FUNNY ONE LINERS!
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away
and you have their shoes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
* Death is hereditary.
* Did anyone see my lost carrier?
* Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
* Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
* Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
* Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
* Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
* I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
* I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
* I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If you can't convince them, confuse them.
* If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
* If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
* If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
* It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
* Montana: At least our cows are sane!
* Never miss a good chance to shut up.
* Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
* Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
* Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
* What's the speed of dark?
* When there's a will, I want to be in it.
* When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Sunday, December 6, 2009
CAN YOU TELL WHY???
* Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
* Why don't you ever see the headline " Psychic Wins Lottery?"
* Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
* Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
* Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice?"
* Why is the person who invests at your money called a broker?
* Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
* Why ain't there mouse_flavored cat food?
* When dog food is new and improved,,, who tasted it?
* Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
* If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?
* If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* Practice makes a man perfect. But nobody is perfect..... So why practice?
* The more you learn, the more you know, the more you know, the more you forget, the more you forget, the less you know,
So ........
Why learn?
FUNNY RIDDLES
A: Stockings.
Q: What is the moon worth?
A: $1, because it has 4 quarters.
Q: 2 boxers are in a boxing match (regular boxing, not kick boxing). The fight is scheduled for 12
rounds but ends after 6 rounds. After one boxer knocks out the other. Yet no man throws a
punch, How is this possible?
A: They were women boxers.
Q: Before mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on earth?
A: Mt.Everest.
Q: Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California?
A: No, he's dead.
Q: How many of each animal did Moses taken on the ark?
A: Moses didn't make the ark. Noah did.
Q: How many times can you subtract the 5 from 25?
A: Only once because after you subtract 5 It's not 25 anymore.
Q: How much dirt is in a hole 4ft deep and 2ft wide?
A: There is no dirt in a hole.
Q: If 2 is a company and 3 is a crowd, what are 4 and 5?
A: 9
Q: Is an old hundred dollar bill better than a new one?
A: A $100 bill is better than a new $1 bill.
Q: I know a word of letters 3, add 2 and fewer there will be.
A: Few.
Q: No sooner spoken than broken. What is it?
A: Silence.
Q: The more you take, the more you leave behind. What are they?
A: Foot-steps.
Q: Some months have 30 days, some months have 31. how many months have 28 days?
A: Every month has at least 28 days.
Q: Take off my skin. I won't cry. But you will! what am I?
A: An onion.
Q: The more it dries, the wetter it gets. What is it?
A: towel.
Q: There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is 5ft 10 inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers.
He has a wife and 2 kids. What does he weigh?
A: meat.
Q: What can go up and come down without moving?
A: Temperature.
Q: What can you catch but not throw?
A: Cold.
Q: If you have it, you want to share it. If you share it, you don't have it. What is it?
A: Secret.
Q: What more you have of it. The less you see. What is it?
A: Darkness.
Q: What gets whiter the dirtier that it gets?
A: chalkboard.
Q: What has no beginning, end or middle?
A: A doughnut.
Q: How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of bricks?
A: Only one. The last one.
Q: Big as a biscuit, deep as a cup. even a river can't fill it up. What is it?
A: A kitchen strainer.
Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age.
Q: What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?
A: To cover cows.
Q: What's red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: Bulldozer.
Q: How do two psychiatrists great each other?
A: You are fine. How am I?
Q: Why was the ghost arrested?
A: Because he had no haunting license.
Q: Where do ghosts go swimming?
A: The dead sea.
Q: What did one ear says to the other one?
A: between you and me, we have a brain.
Q: What is a cigarette?
A: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
Q: How do you define divorce?
A: Future tense of marriage.
Q: What is a dictionary?
A: A place where divorce coming before marriage.
Q: What ecstasy is?
A: A feeling when you feel your going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Q: What is a smile?
A: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Q: What is etc? When you use it?
A: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Q: Who is a doctor?
A: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you later with his bills.
Q: Who is a computer engineer?
A: One who gets paid for reading such mails.
Q: Who is a politician?
A: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
"WELL CONCIDER BEFORE YOU WISH"
to sleep. Then an old guy came in out of nowhere and said "there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. You shall get what, if you jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the 3 guys went over the pool. The first guy liked bananas, yelled out "BANANAS!"
and landed in the pool of bananas.
The 2nd guy was money hungry and yelled out "MONEY!"
and landed in a pile of money.
The 3rd guy was about to jump when a bird shits on his head. And he yelled "OH SHIT!"
A WORLDWIDE SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED BY THE UN!
The survey was a huge failure;
In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant
In the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant……………………………………..!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Living in 2009
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to. ha ha ha ha.
Interesting Facts
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for
Blood plasma.
******************************
No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead....I'll wait...
******************************
Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes or shark attacks.
******************************
You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.
******************************
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
******************************
The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.
******************************
The King of Hearts is the only king
WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
******************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.
******************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)
******************************
Apples, not caffeine,
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning ..
******************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from
DEAD SKIN !
******************************
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
******************************
Walt Disney was afraid
OF MICE!
******************************
PEARLS DISSOLVE
IN VINEGAR !
******************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order..
******************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but, not downstairs.
******************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
******************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)
******************************
And the best for last....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on...and go move your toothbrush!!!
