FUNNY ONE LINERS!

* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

* All men are idiots, and I married their King.

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

* Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

* Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away
and you have their shoes.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

* Death is hereditary.

* Did anyone see my lost carrier?

* Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

* Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

* Double your drive space. Delete Windows!

* Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

* Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

* Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

* I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

* I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

* I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* If you can't convince them, confuse them.

* If you haven't much education you must use your brain.

* If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

* If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

* It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

* Montana: At least our cows are sane!

* Never miss a good chance to shut up.

* Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

* Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

* Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

* The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

* Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

* What's the speed of dark?

* When there's a will, I want to be in it.

* When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.

* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* Why is abbreviation such a long word?